Robot Loves Zombie

Helen Keller in Space

2012-01-18T00:19:00.000-08:00

In space, No one can hear Helen Keller scream.

X-MAS Update 2011

2011-11-30T22:33:00.001-08:00

WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

2011 Christmas update and reminder to Chakakahnistan's rules regarding Christmas. Previously Posted

1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas.

New Exception for 2011!!!!

Wal-Mart can have Black Friday riots whenever they want! Watching a bunch of desperate and stupid cheapskates stampede, pepper spray and bludgeon each other was like an early christmas present. Whoa! Nothing like seeing Capitalism and Darwinism working together.

2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Seriously! A couple of local radio stations started playing christmas songs not long after Halloween. 24-7 craptacular crap.

3. During the allowed Christmas season, there are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Most likely if it's one you really like and have loved ever since you had to sing it for 3rd grade christmas pageant, then it's not allowed.

4. The "Official" Christmas Carols of Chakakahnistan: White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. All country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED!

4-A. Last Christmas by Wham and The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song are acceptable to MOTHbot but not to Dekx. Be careful which one of us you are closest to when you start humming one of these.

7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No Exceptions. These are to be watched non-stop, simultaneously, around the clock from Dec 23rd to Dec 26th. Anyone found not watching will be found guilty of treason.

8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D.

9. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better.

We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!

Questionnaire Extraordinaire!

2011-08-24T00:54:00.000-07:00

I couldn't find if I ever posted this, but here's me filling out what is supposedly a Scientology quiz.
All answers seem to be even truer now than they were back in 2008.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
Yes. Right now I am lord and Master of the entire population of the Holy,
free-roaming, city-nation-state-corporation of Chakakahnistan. If I can see
you or hear you, or think about you hard enough, you are my slave. I also
have two cats.

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Yes. Right now the Chakakahnistan Drachmah is way more valuable than the US
Dollar because I caused China. One of the few things not made in China, is
China. Cuz I made it here in America and sent it to China.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Yes. But, like many of my choices in life, I make it right by force of will.
So if I kill someone, there is bound to be someone somewhere who wanted them
dead for reasons of vengance or money owed. I think more people should thank
me.

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Yes. Edward-Two-Tongues. He was choking on the extra tongue and needed it
removed STAT!.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Yes. Here's an excerpt from the Chakakahnistan's weekly news magazine, The
Weekly Chaka:"This quiz sucks. Scientology Sucks. Hubbard's old sci-fi novels are second
rate at best."
I gots paid for that.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. I had roaches once. I was chasing a big fat momma with her egg sack.
When she died, the egg pod popped off and all these little white roachey
babies were squirming around on the floor. I sprayed them too.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes. Didn't really have to try. It's pretty much overrated as it is. A few
doctored photos of Sanity in the arms of another man, and Sanity's good
name was all but obliterated.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Yes. I like to hump my printer.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Yes. Both. I invented uranium.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Yes. I fucked L-Ron Hubbards dead ass once, and I regularly fuck zombies.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yes. According to the RIAA I've stolen too many songs off the internet.

• Have you ever been a pimp?
Yes. Hell Yes.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
Yes. Wait. The whole thing? I didn't finish it because I'd just got done
eating a koala bear

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Yes. I stabbed your momma's eyes out with my dick. She still looks alright I guess.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes. I need the practice for when I wipe out humanity with Robots and Zombies.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Yes. It's the title on my card. I also perform back-alley abortions for a small fee.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
HELL NO! I love robots and would never do anything to hurt them.

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes. Caught 5 boobies in it. Somewhere out there, there's some hot chick
with only one booby.

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Yes. Only because he said he needed to think our relationship over. He said
'it wasn't me, it was him' and all that shit, but that was enough for me to
leave him to the cold dead embrace of outer space.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
Yes. Yes we have.

• Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. Your momma is. She wants me up in her again tonight.

• Have you ever set a poor example?
Yes. Children should not listen to me unless I'm teaching them ways of
getting away with a crime.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Yes. Hell Yes. Several evil purposes.

• Are you in hiding?
Yes. Hiding in Reno.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes. Now go to city hall and find a package in the tank of the third stall
in the ladyies room. It will reveal something new about Jesus.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes. If by practice, you mean career or habit, then yes.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes. I think therefore I shall think some more.

• Have you ever gone crazy?
Yes. 32 time today and counting. Going there isn't the problem. I'm looking
for a way to stay.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Yes. For insurance purposes.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes. I just sold all of Josh's fambly into white slavery. Even the ones he likes.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
Yes. Once with lava, and another time with pure hate.

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yes. Someone has to keep these pig fuckers in line and put them down when
they get out of hand.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Yes. Verbally. I was calling a guy some bad names and his balls just dropped off. Now he can't have babies.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Yes. By robots.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Yes. This one.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
...
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. There's always someone you can talk into putting a 9-volt on their tongue.

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Yes and Yes. Brazilian porn Baby! No Condoms!!! Wooooooooo!!!!!

Up Yours Twitter

2011-06-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

I just noticed in our sidebar that the last time Dekx or I put anything on Twatter was 666 days ago. Thanks for being there for us.
Pope Zombius the 5th thinks we are lazy sinners.

My Girlfriend is Nearly Complete

2011-06-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

Just a few more tweaks and a weapons system an she's good to go.

Complimentone

2010-12-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

We here at RLZ recognize, as most of you probably have, that sometimes people cannot tell when somebody is giving a compliment. Often this is because a poor choice of wording gets misinterpreted as a personal attack or there is some variation between what two people consider to be a compliment. The difference between Chakakhanistan's ingenious and valiant, benevolent leaders and you lazy savages is that we care enough to do something about it. Therefore vis a vis e pluribus unum sic semper tyranus, The Chakakhanistan Quango of Speech and Cultural Maladjustment is pleased to introduce Complimentone.

The Good News: Complimentone completely removes discretion, the necessity for social skills and interpretation of any kind regarding compliments.

The Bad News: For the third time in as many weeks you will have to have your auxiliary voice box replaced in order to make the sounds which comprise Complimentone. This new spectrum of speech will make it physically impossible for the receiver's brain to interpret the statement as anything but a compliment. CQSCM understands that this may be inconvenient and increase hospital grade infections, however we appreciate your cooperation in this newest endeavor. We have every faith that Complimentone will prove more useful than Whoeversmeltitdealtitone and Don'tanswerthisquestionhonestlytone.

To represent Complimentone in text form, simply change the font color to teal, underline it, bold it, italicize it, and write, "COMPLIMENTONE" before and after the statement.

Following are some phrases which are well suited to Complimentone that will be immediately integrated into everyday speech now that the speaker's intention will be clear.

COMPLIMENTONE Hey now, sexy bitch, you KNOW I dig a chunky dumper. COMPLIMENTONE
COMPLIMENTONE Damn, lady, you're one of the sexiest 'cept'er heads I have ever seen. COMPLIMENTONE
COMPLIMENTONE I have never been more attracted to a short, fat, balding, red-headed man in my entire life. COMPLIMENTONE
COMPLIMENTONE It's ok you finished in 30 seconds dear, that way I know you'll never cheat on me! COMPLIMENTONE

See? It's easy! The Servitorship for Phsyical Violence and Square Dancing is not happy about what will certainly be a steep decline in physical violence, however the CQSCM feels that the SPVSD will see an even steeper rise in square dancing since so many people will be appreciating compliments which would otherwise have caused strife and an environment clearly not conducive to square dancing.

The Priestery of Mandatory Surgery has already deployed surgeons to your homes. Please eat the six pills your replicator just provided. Be careful! You only have six seconds after ingestion and then you will be enveloped in the inky embrace of medically induced coma. See you on the other side!

Sincerely,

Dekx McViolence "The Shank" Stabbenheimer

Glorious Co-Overlord and All-Around Agent of Chaos of Chakakhanistan

Movie Pitch to Our Friend Hollywood

2010-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hey Hollywood! While you're out remaking everything 80's, I found one you missed. Now, just hear me out. From terrible Dukes of Hazard, to a really fun A-Team, you've covered a lot of ground. I'm looking forward to Tron, and we'll just agree to disagree on those craptastic Transformers movies, but this is the big fish you didn't capture. We even wrote a script to make it easy. Me and Dekx will direct of course. So here it is. You ready?

Ok Ok Ok!

ALF.

Yeah! ALF. Everyone's favorite alien life form from Melmac. But we'll darken it up for modern audiences, so he be out for revenge on the Tanners. You see, the series ended on a bad note for ALF. The Tanners dropped him off on the side of the road so he could be picked up my other dudes from Melmac, but instead, the Army showed up and took him away. Fast forward 20+ years and ALF escapes, but he's not the friendly Gordon Shumway of old. No, this ALF is out for revenge. It's just like Kill Bill but with aliens, cats and crackwhores. Check out the poster!

Let us know when you want to see the script. Dekx had some cool ideas involving slow motion gun fights in a trench coat factory with doves flying and shit and we had some stuff with ALF eating cats and making little children cry. It's friggin' awesome!

Have your robots call our robots.

Moth

Stand and Salute

2010-08-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

Bub from Day of the Dead knows. Here in Chakakahnistan, we think that having only one national anthem is pretty pathetic. It leaves you singing about outdated concepts that haven't applied to your country for 50+ years and no one wants to learn the words. We like to keep it simple and fun and mix things up a bit. Another variation on our glorious national anthem brought to you by the Youtubes. So put your National Pride dress on and sing along.
Here

I Watch 'em So You Don't Have To: part 2

2010-07-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

Zombi 2 (Zombie):

We are going to eat you. OK, there's no need for a real summary to this one. Let's snuggle up and get this started with a checklist of its awesome.

1. Hot nekkid European 80's Women.

2. Zombies

3. Zombie attacking hot nekkid 80's women and fighting a shark.

4. No real plot to speak of.

5. Did I mention the hot girls, and the zombie fighting a shark? Yeah. I know I did, but it's really important to the movie.

Right. This one is great, and an Italian classic.

I give it 3.5 brains out of 5

Zombi 3: Before we get too far into it and waste any time on this piece of garbage, let's just say that this movie is a piece of garbage. Oh wait, I already said that. Fulci got sick and stuff, and didn't complete this film, so other people wrote new scenes, had to hire new actors, and then tried to cram the two bits together. Let's do a checklist of the awful, and remember that this is not a complete list, because a complete list would require a boring and terrible retelling of the entire movie in excruciating detail.

1. Makes no sense. A populated hotel resort that is the site of an outbreak at the beginning of the film is suddenly an abandoned and run-down mess that looks like it hasn't seen people in years!

2. No plot.

3. Which makes it even worse that there's no hot nekkid chicks.

4. Scenes are shot in one place and then suddenly taking place somewhere completely different. No continuity.

5. Ugghhh. Just go watch it and see for yourself.

6. Oh, and only the shoddy zombie fights are the only redeeming feature of this film.

1 Brain out of 5 for old time sake, but I really want to give it, like, negative numbers or something.

Zombie Lake:

I'm torn again. This film is so bad that I want to give it negative brains. It's more like an old silent film with long stretches of annoying music and over staggering, overdone, craptacular acting. Redeeming qualities: Hot nekkid 80s chicks and zombie Nazis and lots of MST3K worthy moments including a fight scene where one zombie has to alpha male another zombie in the slowest, and silliest fight scene ever. Footage gets reused several times over. There's a scene where the crew is plainly visible in a giant mirror. Not just a quick glimpse, or tiny movement in a reflective surface that you can blink and miss. It's a giant wall mirror and you can see the camera guys walking in with the actor as plain as day for several seconds. And what the fuck time does this movie take place? One minute the zombies come crawling out of the lake to eat hot nekkid chicks and it's noon and the next scene the zombies are staggering around town in what is supposed to be night, and then it's broad daylight when the zombies stagger back to the lake. Heck, I think one sequence was: Zombies stagger into lake, zombies come back out, zombies go into lake, Wait, zombies are in the town now, zombies attack, zombies stagger back into lake. Oh, and during the underwater scenes, you can totally see that it's in a swimming pool.

The sheer stupidity, shoddy workmanship, sillyness, and number of hot nekkid 80's chicks earn it a brain that it really doesn't deserve.

1 brain out of 5

Zombie Honeymoon:

I've seen this one getting some bad reviews, but after Zombie Lake and Zombi 3, I actually enjoyed this one. Still pretty low budget, but it has some pretty decent acting, and some great zombie attacks as the zombie husband slowly changes into more and more of a vicious killing machine. The wife, played by Tracy Coogan, is super cute and when she gets worked up, she can't hide her sexy Irish accent. The scenes where the wife (Denise) has to sit in the house listening to the crunching and slurping noises of her husband eating was pretty cool and made me a little queasy, but in a good way. I've also read some critiques that the budget was so small that they could only afford to have one zombie, but in a way, that's like complaining that Alien only had one Alien in it. This movie has an interesting premise and some creative bits that don't require hordes of the undead.

I'll go a-head and give it 3.5 pretty damn good brains out of 5

There Can Be...Only One....

2010-06-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, a quarter century ago, there were many. Four of them joined forces and samurai swords to thwart their nemeses like Dana Plato and Gary Coleman and yes, even George Peppard. But there are no guarantees in life nor in death. They knew that their truce must eventually come to an end, that their own heads would one day roll. And so it was that eventually even the mighty fell in a head-chopped-off-by-a-samurai-sword kind of way. Where four used to rule, strict but fair and bushido-y, only one remains. She is immortal and no man can be her equal. She is...

THE GOLDEN HIGHLANDER!!

Betty White is the sole remaining Golden Girl. She is now powerful enough to face her one-time lover, Mr. T, in mortal combat. In Japan. On top of a hill. Crested with cherry blossoms. At dusk. Before the ocean. With a fire going. And maybe some s'mores beforehand. TO THE DEATH!!

Cue the Queen, bitches, it's ON!! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!

Dear Guy From Colombia

2010-05-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Guy From Colombia,

I don’t know how they do things in Colombia. I’ve never been. But here in America we don’t chat while holding our peckers. It’s nothing personal. I’d happily chat with you if neither of us were holding our respective peckers. But we are. Both of us. Now is not the time for chatting. Now is the time for urinating, clearing our throats, maybe farting a bit, but most importantly looking straight ahead. Not for turning to face each other and asking strangely out of context questions like, “How do you like it on this half of the world?” I’m a multitasker so I understand the urge to get a few things done at once. However, and I’m sorry to belabor the point but it clearly bears repeating, when there are peckers out, multitasking stops and everything else waits. Lastly, when you’re done pissing and there’s an option, you turn away from the other guy still holding his pecker. It’s just how it’s done here. I’m sorry to be The Guy Who Tells The Foreigner How It’s Done In Am’rr’ca, but this isn’t offering drivers’ tests in multiple languages. It’s not being able to order McDonald’s in English. It’s not even deciding which parts of an animal should be eaten and which should be disposed of. This is pecker holding. And in the States we take that pretty seriously.

Sincerely,

Dekx

I Still Like Ska and You Should Be Glad #2

2010-05-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

I still like ska and you should be glad. I know, I know...Ska's out like Roller Disco and Macrame Plant Hangers. But the up-tempo dohdyoh doh doh of the rhythm section and the sassy doodleedoo of the horns make The Rage go away. It doesn't matter how terrible or horrific my day has been as long as I can come home to a ska version of Come On, Eileen or a song about somebody that hates me. Honestly, there's nothing ska can't fix for me. And you should be glad....

For instance, without ska, standing in line with you assholes would send me over the edge. I'd go on a terrible, terrible rampage, hurling you all to and fro all the live long day. You'd be the Lex Luthor to my Superman, the Bluto to my Popeye.

Jeez, where to begin?

BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

Crowding me, lightly touching me, breathing on me, anything that sets off my Spider-sense is simply creating the illusion of getting your dumb ass through the line faster. I know you're loathe to admit it, I know it drives you insane, but when you're standing in line behind me I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY....DESTINY....destiny....

There's a slim possibility that I'll use cash. Fuck with me and I'll use my card or a check. If you really piss me off I'll bust out my coupons just when you think your passive aggressive crowding and throat clearing has finally paid off.

Are you ready for the Ultra Lightning Round Bazillion Dollar Fantasy Question? Guess who else has to stand in line at the grocery store, the DMV, the return counter at Target or the massive prison train your mom has every Friday night?

DING DING DING!! That' correct, EVERYONE! Don, tell 'im what he's won!

Well, Dekx, for winning the Ultra Lightning Round Bazillion Dollar Fantasy Question he gets your size 14 foot in his ass. That's right! It's time to kill him slowly with internal bleeding and a beating that would make the most hardened Crip to ever grace South Central really sit down and think about what he's done! Severe and malevolent beatings from DekxCo!!

By the way, you get no pity or special treatment from me just because you can't carry all of your groceries. There's no excuse for it. Just to get into the store you have to run a gauntlet of carts and baskets. If you're in such a fuckin' hurry, why don't you pick up a basket instead of dropping everything twice or having me jam a majority of said items up your ass?

You do that, and I'll listen to ska instead of flaming whatever you have that's flammable or raping whatever you have that's rapeable.

Now, where's that Reel Big Fish Cd?

Reflections in Red #2

2010-05-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

There are some very few people in life that can always help you feel better about yourself. For some it comes as easily as breathing. There's just something about them that will always raise you above your problems. This is a rare breed indeed and I always feel lucky when I've found one.

In fact, what's most peculiar about them is that you never know where one will pop up. The old fellow working as the doorman at the El Dorado, a hooker with a heart of gold, or your grandma, god rest her soul. Me? I found mine in a shabby blue house two doors down the alley from my sister's place.

His name was Red and it was because of his hair. Red was never a cheerful man. He wasn't even pleasant. But he always had a way of making your day better....

"Hey, Red, how's it going?"

"Well, I ain't dead yet...."

And that was Red for ya'. So what if you didn't do your homework or your parents didn't understand you? You weren't cursing god and angrily awaiting death. And that's really something.

Ken

2010-05-19T07:00:00.001-07:00

No, Ken, I'm gonna' call you "Ken" and you're gonna' like it. I'm getting you ready for the real world, Ken. You're gonna' finish high school, go to the local junior college, get a degree in accounting and get some subservient position at your bother-in-law's firm because you got your girlfriend from college knocked up and you had to find a stable job that would put food on the table. And you're going to walk into work in your poorly fitting polyester pants, your wrinkly-ass shirt and the tie you got for church when you were six and do you know what everyone's going to say to you?

"Ken, good to see you!"

"Ken, time for a new tie, buddy."

"Ken, you want dibs on the last jelly doughnut?"

"Hi, Ken, how's that little one of yours?"

And you'll smile and greet these dimwits with the same feigned enthusiasm and carry your little brown lunch sack containing a sandwich made of the leftover meat loaf from last night's dinner to your desk and sit your inordinately huge ass in your ergonomically designed char at a desk with a name plate that simply says, "Ken." And seconds after you hoist your giant ass into your tailor-made cradle, your boss will walk up and say,

"Hey, Ken! WHEW! I had a tie like that when I was 6. My mom made me wear it to church. Hahahahahaha.....Seriously, though, Ken, I need to talk to you about the Johnson account. It seems as though you forgot about the new filing system, Ken. If you need a little refresher on the training we had last week just let me know, Ken, because I got this great book about it. Ok, Ken, you have a good day!"

And after you settle into the mind-boggling monotony of your shitty job you're going to get a call from your nagging wife who has been ruined forever by crapping out your ill-begotten son and she's gonna' say,

"Ken, I need you to pick up some milk and eggs on your way home. Don't forget. Last time I asked you to stop by the store you didn't bring a single thing home. I'm tired of having to think for you, Ken."

You'll cow down to your wife and give just the right tone of remorse to shut her fat fucking mouth up. Then you're going to go to the local dive after your day in purgatory and tie on one righteous bender, Ken. Because youre life will be shit. It'll be shit and you'll know it. You'll sit there and get hammered with some people you don't really know and reminisce about the days when life was a walk in the park. When your friends took care of you and you liked the girl you were fucking and everybody called you, "Kenny." That's what I'm getting you ready for, Ken, and you're gonna' fucking like it.

You Remind Me of Michael

2010-05-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Y'know, you remind me of Michael. That's not a good thing, Michael was an asshole. Michael was the type of guy to abuse Nicorette. He'd drink four or five GIGANTIC gin and tonics each night. Sure, Michael was a pragmatist when it came to researching software or programming it, his finances and what kind of pasta was least likely to cause colon cancer, but when it came to his personal life Michael was little more than a meat sack filled with Flintstones Vitamins...One bottle of.

Michael will aggravate his dog (which you are already afraid of) so that she bares her teeth and growls and barks. Michael has two master's degrees but he can't set his watch alarm. He'll squirt you fifteen times with his new squirt gun before he realizes that there's no squirt gun fight and that you're fucking pissed. Michael's the kind of guy to give you the clap or herpes just after they're passe.

Michael's your best friend when you hate him the most and you're his worst enemy if you get pizza with meat on it. Michael will knock up your sister, drink your last beer and shit in your vacuum cleaner. He'll do your taxes wrong and tell your momma' about your experimental college years. Michael will speak intelligently on the next course of action we should take in the Graphical User Interface, yet he will ask you to explain an entire episode of Murder She Wrote and he won't understand why the fuck you didn't watch it.

...Yep, you definitely remind me of Michael...you fucking douche.

Reflections In Red #1

2010-05-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

We sit by the bonfire, the ocean crashing down on the beach. The last remaining rays of sunlight nothing but the faintest of inverse shadows on the canopy of the night sky. The Northern California summer night far cooler than any kid from North Dakota would ever suspect hovers about the perimeter of our meeting of the minds and dreams, souls and assumptions, held at bay by the blazing heat of 30 pallets letting loose all the rage and potential gone unused lo these many years.

I sip my first beer of the night, delighting in the magnificence that only under-aged drinking can provide. I'm 15 and my first trip to the Pacific Northwest has been far more intoxicating than any libation. It is here at the beach that I realize how close the chaps that invented Manifest Destiny were to the truth of the whole matter. Three years later I will move here and begin manhood or a fair approximation. My mind wanders, no doubt fleeing towards some burlesque fantasy or pulp comic dream sequence.

As I sit there, gazing at the stars through the wispy clouds and smoke, Red speaks to me. Red lives down the alley from my sister. Their collective households often gather for revelry. Even though I'm 15 and he the average participant in tonight's festivities is 25, it's Red who really stands out from the crowd.

He's 5'4" or so and easily weighs 250 pounds. He has moderate acne, the effects enhanced by the sheer force of his rage. Red might have been a handsome man once, might have, or had the chance to evolve to the Swan Stage. But long ago he succumbed to the teasing and degrading nature of his peers. Atop his battered, angry face sits a pate resembling the decharicaturized image of Bozo T. Clown. Balding but not graying, one can see where Red has received his nickname (Lawrence, his given name, doesn't seem to fit this angry gnome).

Without introducing himself to me, without a, "Hello," nor a, "Nice night, huh?" Red turns to me and says, "What'cha' do is, you take a light bulb and you unscrew the metal from the glass, but you have be careful to keep the filament in tact. Then you fill the glass half with diesel fuel and half with laundry detergent. Then you screw the metal back to the glass and then you put the bulb back where ever you want it to go off. Then, when They come in and turn on the light, they get fucked up 'cause they just ignited and blew up the fuckin' napalm you mixed in the bulb."

I stared at Red and he looked back at me, beady, black eyes reflecting my own fear. There aren't many things you can say to a man like Red that will make him leave you alone. Even at 15 I know this. He's the same creepy, military- and death-obsessed kid we all knew in high school. But I know of one trick that always works on these types: because they have hidden their homosexuality so deep, guarded with such tenacity, they will do anything to avoid any comment, deed or action that could be construed as gay. Even at 15 I know it's true.

This all occurs to me in the span of half a second, the beat of a humming bird's wings. I know action must be taken. So I hop deftly to my feet, hook a thumb at the tall grass beyond the dunes and say, "I'm gonna' go take a piss, you wanna' watch?"

Oh No! Have I Been Buttfucked?!?!

2010-05-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Has this ever happened to you?

You go to a frat party on Saturday night and drink like Willy after landing on the other side of the reef. You get so drunk that you realize how terribly outdated and scientifically inaccurate your Free Willy reference is. When you wake up the next day you're not sure whether or not you've been buttfucked. It's all a jumbled amalgam of dreams and memories, the line between perception and reality is as blurry as your vision after your third bottle of Robitusin.

Well your troubles are over! With my patented system you'll be able to tell whether or not you've been buttfucked in just minutes! Here's how it works:

Use Common Sense: Sometimes it's easy to tell if you've been buttfucked. Make a bodily and mental check list.

Make sure your butt isn't sore, torn, bleeding or otherwise damaged.
Check to see if you feel utterly ashamed of yourself without knowing quite why.
Check your bum for excess moisture. Unless you're running a marathon or living in an equatorial climate, it should be relatively dry.

Hallmark even makes a, "Sorry I buttfucked you while you were in a state that may or may not have resulted in your inability to remember whether or not you've been buttfucked," card! If you get one of these with a couple of twenties stuffed into it, the chances are good that you've been buttfucked!

Those were some of the more obvious signs that your poopshoot's been violated but there are literally THOUSANDS of indicators that you've been buttfucked.

Call now and you'll get your "So You May Have Been Buttfucked" investigatory kit and a smiley-face paper bag Shame Mask. Call in the next twenty minutes and you'll get a jumbo-sized tube of lidocaine absolutely free!!

What are you waiting for?!?! You may already have been buttfucked.

Why I Don't Vote

2010-05-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger man I decided I would not vote. Chalk it up to youth or ignorance, but I had decided that the system was fucked and couldn't be fixed. Not only had I made my decision, I was proud. You couldn't shut me up on the subject, were it to arise.

In retrospect I see now what a buffoon I was. Conceptualizations of what a democratic republic should be aside, there is a far more legitimate reason not to vote. Registering to vote gets you on the list to become a juror in our court system. My job provides for paid time off so that I can better help my community. So jury duty in itself is not so terrible. In a lot of ways it would be more like a vacation than a civil obligation.

What worries me the most is ending up on the jury that convicts a super villain. I've seen it happen a jillion times in the comics, cartoons and the recent barrage of super-hero movies.

You start out with a Hero you need to introduce. Let's call him, "Hypothetacles." See, he's the new hero on the block and he's making a name for himself in a town we'll call, "Hypothetropolis." Hypothetacles will start off fucking up some gang-bangers and drug dealers just to get his name on the street. But eventually wading through an ocean of mooks without breaking a sweat will begin to bore Hypothetacles. Simultaneously, he will realize that while he's stopping crimes as they happen, he's not really getting ot the root cause of crime. This will lead him on a witch hunt through Hypothetropolis; killing them all and letting god sort 'em out.

As Hypothetacles moves up the Goon Ladder, his opponents will become fewer but far more powerful until he reaches the mastermind of all crime in Hypothetropolis:

Villain X

Nobody knows who Villain X is since he always wears a mask and kills anybody that has ever even been in the same room with him. Naturally, though, after an epic duel that nearly kills Hypothetacles, Villain X will be brought to the swift and fair justice of the Hypthetropolis Justice System.

That's where I come in. See, I help convict Villain X and save Hypothetropolis from certain disaster. It's a good day for everybody but Villain X and we all live happily ever after...UNTIL THE SEQUEL!!!

That'll open up with a rash of killings in which all of the victims were jury members who helped convict Villain X. Look, I'm not a very important man, so I have little doubt that I'll be one of the first people to be turned into yogurt or have my bones teleported out of my body as I'm kicked from an airplane at 17,000 feet while bing cut in half by the flechette rounds from the devastator cannon on the powered armor belonging to Cybermax, Villain X's right hand man.

My only real hope is that I'm funny enough to be the last remaining juror. After all, Hypothetacles is going to need me to be the bait for his cunning plan to catch both Cybermax and Villain X by turning their powers against themselves. And let's face it, Hypothetacles is no comedian. Where else are we going to get the comic relief we all know and love?

So if any of you are thinking about registering to vote, take a minute to really think about whether or not you're comfortable sending a super villain to the local Insane Asylum. You've seen the the kind of people that run these things; they're all stupid enough to be fooled by a hologram of Lex Luthor and Otis playing checkers coming from a homemade projector consisting of transistor radio parts and Kool Menthol cigarettes.

Is it really worth the risk?

A Stalker's Practical Guide to Suzy

2010-05-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

First things first: Suzy's full name is Suzanne Matilda LeFleur. Her phone number is 555-0999. Her address is 3541 Rain Cloud Road. She lives in an old Victorian that's been converted into several apartments. Suzy's on the third floor, north corner.

Suzy is the Goddess above all others in my Pantheon of Obsession.

Hiding Places: Suzy's next door neighbor is a 75 year old widow named Mrs. O'Whighans. She lives alone. She doesn't have any family and she lives in the house Mr. O'Whigans built with his own hands. As such, her house is far too big for her to utilize, maintain or patrol. She is also going deaf and is addicted to Drain-O-dipped cigarettes. This is the perfect house for stalking at range. I have a key to all the doors in the house, including the attic. The attic window is just 35 feet away from Suzy's living room and bedroom windows.

Suzy's...Mind...OVERPOWERS

If you're going to enter Suzy's home, it's best to do it when she takes what I like to call her, "Power Dump". She does this as soon as she gets home each night around 5:30. She keeps a key to the apartment in the little potted plant just outside her front door. All of Suzy's closets are deep and have slats in the doors.

Suzy knows you're coming...but she won't know you're there...

Final Thoughts: Suzy's amazing, beautiful and far-reaching. I wouldn't leave her if I didn't have to go to this comic book convention. But I trust you. With that said, know this: if anything should happen to Suzy while I'm away there will be no end to the pain and misery I will bestow upon you. No limit to the delightful atrocities I will inflict to your earthly body. You will be living hamburger, bleating like a little lamb. Nobody will hear you, though, because Mrs. O'Hwighans is going deaf and is addicted to Drain-O-dipped cigarettes and I have the key to her basement....

Suzy....

I Still Like Ska and You Should Be Glad #1

2010-05-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

I still like ska and you should be glad. I know, I know...Ska's out like legwarmers and shaving the Bat Signal into the back of your head. But the up-tempo dohdyoh doh doh of the rhythm section and the sassy doodleedoo of the horns make The Rage go away. It doesn't matter how terrible or horrific my day has been as long as I can come home to a ska version of Brown Eyed Girl or a song about Spam. Honestly, there's nothing ska can't fix for me. And you should be glad...

For instance, without ska, your incompetent boobery on the highways and city streets would drive me to kill each and every one of you in a decidedly Bolivian Drug Lord fashion. I'm not here to intimidate you, but there would definitely be a blowtorch and a rusty pair of left-handed safety scissors in the deal. So how 'bout this: Turn on your blinker when you're going to turn, turn off your blinker when you're not going to turn, put on your makeup when you get to the whorehouse, pay attention to the goddamn traffic lights, fuck off with your blue uber-bright, harnessing the power of the sun headlights, hang up your FUCKING CELL PHONE AND DRIVE!!! I'll let you keep listening to your Earth-shattering mega-booty bass thunder box in the hopes that it renders you permanently sterile.

But above all else, always remember and obey the one cardinal rule:

Right Lane Slow
Left Lane Fast

You do that and I"ll listen to ska instead of flaming whatever you have that's flammable or raping whatever you have that's rapable.

Now, where's that Save Ferris CD?

George Clooney Hair

2010-05-03T07:00:00.001-07:00

Some day I'm gonna' get me some George Clooney hair. Not actual hair from his head, but a stylish haircut reminiscent of George Clooney. Dashing George Clooney, ruggedly handsome George Clooney, suave and debonair George Clooney. There's just something about George Clooney....he's a ladies' man and he's a man's man. He's tough and he's macho and take-charge when he has to be. He is powerful like the rhinoceros. Yet, when the time is right, he's loving and caring, tender. If I had George Clooney hair, I'd be one step closer to the man I want to be....

But more importantly, George Clooney is rich. Filthy, stinking rich! He wipes his ass with $100 bills. He eats California condor egg omelets for breakfast and he cleans his teeth with an ivory, gold inlaid, jewel-encrusted tooth brush. If I had George Clooney hair I could be rich, too.

Because George Clooney has all this money he can better fit into this dog-eat-dog, topsy turvy world. He can get a cell phone. People will know he's George Clooney when he answers his phone with, "George Clooney here..."Because people should know you're important. George Clooney's important. That's why he's on the cover of People Magazine talking about what it's like to be in his 40s. People would know I'm important if I had George Clooney hair.

Money, fame and rugged good looks also attract the ladies. Beautiful ladies with silicone titties, collagen lips and bulimic thighs that don't even touch. George Clooney meets these beautiful women. George Clooney gets more ass than a public toilet. I'd get laid too, if only I had George Clooney hair....

I Love Her

2010-05-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

She has legs that go all the way to her buttocks.

And a smile that exposes her front teeth.

Her hair is extruded from tiny follicles in her scalp.

With eyes that provide binocular vision and opposable thumbs for gripping and grasping.

Her lips move as though they are attached to tendons and muscles on her face.

Even her nose protrudes from the front of her face, allowing her to collect microscopic particles for olfactorial analysis.

And her 32 teeth, all insider her mouth, pefectly designed for mastication.

I love her....

How I Got Here

2010-05-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

Once, some wild, eight foot tall maniac grabbed my neck, slammed the back of my favorite head against a bar room wall and looked me crooked in the eye and he asked if I'd paid my dues. I looked right back into his eyes and said,

"When I was nine I wore aviator sunglasses and a headband with a fearsome Chinese dragon on it for a week straight. In the sixth grade I started wearing suspenders and a chain with a silver dollar on it like some prepubescent 70's wannabe. When I was thirteen I finally stopped sleeping with my blanky. In the eighth grade I nearly dislocated my right knee doing the half-splits at one of Mandan Junior Highs legendary dances. The summer before my freshman year of high school I started wearing a small, plush, stuffed puppy dog as a necklace. In the 9th grade I finally got a spike hairdo a year after they were popular. The summer before my junior year of high school I was Death in a medley of plays as performed by a traveling children's troop. It was in the 11th grade that I acquired the gift of being able to talk to girls I found attractive without crying nor making them cry. It was the eleventh grade when three different girls asked me to go to the winter formal and I declined. I received my first blow job in the twelfth grade. Which was almost cool except I shot it right away. As an adult I have vomited on myself on numerous occasions in drunken stupors, I still think Tr0n is a fucking RAD movie, I have a tattoo of Bert and Ernie on my flabby, pasty-white bicep and for some reason I feel the urge, nay, the compulsion to tell you about all of this."

"Have you paid yer dues, Dekx?"
"Yes, Sir. The check is in the mail."

Coming Soon

2010-04-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks I'll be posting some of spoken word pieces I have written/performed over the yearswhich are fun to read even without my golden pipes bringing them to life. Enjoy

I watch 'em so you don't have to. Unless you really want to.

2010-03-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

Some zombie movies for your asses. And most of them bad. I'll let Netflix sum them up and then give you my thoughts.

1. Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!-

When an unorthodox drug experiment conducted by a mad scientist transforms the residents of a small town into flesh-eating zombies, a motley crew of exotic dancers, pimps, hookers and johns are forced to take refuge inside a seedy strip club. Helmed by first-time filmmaker Jason Murphy, this zany, tongue-in-cheek horror-thriller starsFHM model Jessica Barton and Playboy Playmate Hollie Winnard

.A shoddy and cheap zombie movie with playboy playmates who can't even do a good job acting as strippers. The only really good scene is when the pimp starts back-handing zombies. We'll see how it stacks up against Zombie Strippers.

1 Brain out of 5

2. Bio Zombie- Think George Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead with an Asian twist, and you've got a handle on this Japanese cult favorite that pits unwary shopping mall strollers against a horde of ravenous zombies. Woody and Bee -- two clerks who work at the mall -- unwittingly raise an army of ghouls when they slam into a biochemical company employee with their car … and he begins a wholesale infection. Better charge it!

A really silly Chinese (the Netflix description says it's Japanese, but it's not) Zombie movie. It's kinda fun and silly with little flashes of cleverness. The two main guys in this film make a comic duo, and the zombie effects are comically bad. In several scenes you can see that the zombies have gloves on to give them zombie hands. I like Tokyo Zombie much better.

3 Brains out of 5

3. Zombie Wars-

When a small group of rebels learns that zombies have begun breeding humans for consumption, they plan an all-out offensive to rid the planet of the flesh-eating monsters once and for all. After years of waging war against the undead, the population of mankind is reduced to alarming levels, with the dwindling bands of survivors relegated to living on the fringes of civilization, struggling to stay alive -- but not for long.

One of those films shot in someone's backyard. It looks and feels like it was made in the 80's instead of 2006. Terrible Terrible acting and the epitome of low-budget special effects.

1 Brain out of 5 and yet want to secretly give it another couple of Brains if I could somehow get the silhouettes of Joel and the bots along the bottom of the screen.

4. American Zombie-

Part mockumentary, part unabashed gore-fest, American Zombie follows filmmakersGrace Lee and John Solomon -- both playing themselves -- as they infiltrate a Los Angeles zombie community in an effort to document the undead subculture. Finding that the reanimated aren't much different from the rest of us -- save for some patches of rotting flesh -- the moviemakers offer a comical look at their marginalized subjects.

While I liked the idea, and liked some moments in this film, I guess I just didn't like talking zombies trying to fit in with regular people. Very little make-up or gore. I'm on the fence about this film and so we'll call it...

2.5 Brains out of 5

5. Day of the Dead-

Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part 2) directs this remake of George A. Romero's classic zombie flick Day of the Dead, in which a mysterious disease causes the newly dead to come back to life and threaten the living. Meanwhile, military and scientific experts clash as they try to arrive at a solution. Miner and writer Jeffrey Reddick honor the story and social relevance of the first film but put a fresh spin on this tale of horror and intrigue.

Ugh. Supposed to be a remake, but really just a crap movie capitalizing on the name of the original. It has a few brisk fight scenes that are a little unbelievable even by zombie movie standards and stupid stuff like zombies scampering upside-down from ceilings to attack people. None of the Army people in this film except, Ving Rhames, look like they know anything about the military.

1 Brain out of 5

6. The Crazies-

Saw this one in the theatres. It's pretty much the standard "zombie" film plot with a small town overrun with a virus that makes people crazy and violent. Timothy Oliphant is awesome as the sheriff trying to save his town from Crazies and the US military. I actually jumped a couple of times had long stretches where I was totally stressed out. Again, not really a zombie movie, and I do wish it had a little more gore and maybe a good Crazies Mob attack but I'll still give it...

3.5 out of 5

What's new in... Sports

2010-01-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

We here in Chakakahnistan work hard to dominate American sports. You notice how there are lots of Eastern Europeans playing in the NBA now? It's like that, but with me and Dekx taking over your sports. We have been splitting our time between training to power kick with the famous Punting Shao-Lin Mules of Uzbekistan in order to take over kickball, and meditating with a monastery of monks who take a vow of motionlessness instead of silence, so that we can take over the competitive sensory-deprivation-tank-sitting. Once we own those, we'll be setting our sights on going back to 1973 to dominate the lawn dart scene. We've also been working toward total conquest of the sport of Dodgeball. To the left, you can see I've included a picture of some dodgeball modifications I'm saving up for. And I was recently notified that I, your humble MOTHbot, was featured in a photograph on CNN.com. Way back in August.

Yep. That's me in my Thing T-shirt, all charged up and getting ready to drill some holes in some suckass opponents. It's pretty safe to say that I was winning the whole game single handedly. Dekx actually played a season or two, and was quite good for such a tall, awkward monstrosity of a man. So, there you have it. It's just a first step. Maybe next time they'll print my name, or give out some interesting background about the advanced training facilities we use in Chakakahnistan, some tidbits about our political system, or exports, or even our wonderful climate? We'll talk to CNN. In the meantime, keep your eyes open for more news in ... SPORTS!

MOTH

How To Win Every Argument. Ever.

2010-01-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

Several of you have been writing in, wondering how it is that I win every single argument I have ever been in. Well, it's a good question because who doesn't want to win every single argument they're ever in? I'm going to outline my two techniques for surefire argument winnage right here on this very blog and it will only cost you $1,000. We'll do it on the honor system so please don't fuck us over, kindly readers, or we'll find you and we'll make you eat a fart sammich. If you pay us via the RLZ Curiosities Shop you will also get several free promotional and motivational t-shirts.

The Dekxnique of winning every argument. Ever.

You have two options to win any given argument and they're equally effective.

1. Yell, "GOOGLE IT!!" at the top of your lungs. Do this repeatedly until the person before you loses his temper and gives up or beats the bejeezus out of you. Either he forfeits the argument and leaves (win for you) or he takes the low road (moral win for you. This can often be turned into a sympathy lay from your opponent's girlfriend as long as you're in an 80s or 90s movie about nerds who finally stand up for themselves.). How does this work? Well, everybody knows that telling your opponent to Google It shows the unshakable strength of your convictions. After all, would you tell somebody to Google something if you didn't already know what Google would say? Of course not.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx The Winner and MOTHbot playing the role of "Douche Number 1".

Douche Number 1: You see, the universe as we know it is finite in size, it's just that it has infinite space within it.

Dekx: That makes the universe infinite.

DN1: Well, it's definitely a complicat-

Dekx: FUCK YOU! GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT AND SEE THAT I'M RIGHT. GOOGLE IT!!

DN1: It's elemental cosmology, really. If you read Hawking's A Brief History of -

Dekx: FUCKING GOOGLE IT! FUCKING GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT, DUMBASS. GOOGLE IT!

DN1: Alright, obviously you don't want to have a real conversation abo-

Dekx: GOOGLE IT, SHITSTICK!! GOOGLE IT AND YOU'LL SEE YOU'RE A COCKASSTITTY!! GOOGLE IT!!

Aaaaand Scene.

See how easy that was? I effectively shut him down and ended up being right despite the fact that he had prevailing scientific theory on his side.

2. Tell people that they shoulda' thought of that sooner.

Well let's face it, they shoulda' thought of that. Whatever it is. Hell, maybe they didn't even think of it at all. And if that's the case, that's what they shoulda' thought of. As with, "GOOGLE IT," the more you repeat, "Maybe you shoulda' thought of that," the more powerful your argument will be. Using this technique I have both literally and figuratively been slapped in the mouth. In both cases I won the argument and was awarded a thousand dollars in argument winning awards. Additionally I earned the title, "King Dick of Asshole Town". I have it on a plaque next to my commemorative Mork rainbow suspenders.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx McAwesomestein and MOTHbot playing the role of "Stoopid Dood".

Stoopid Dood: I thought Avatar was pretty good. Great effects!

Dekx: Seriously? It's got one-dimensional characters, a hyper-predictable plot, and the directing was really just a special effects parade. AND YOU SAY IT WAS, "PRETTY GOOD"?!?!

SD: Relax, man. I just said I enjoyed the movie. I didn't make it.

Dekx: Oh, you didn't make the movie, huh? Well maybe you shoulda' fuckin' thought of that before you brought it up.

SD: Should have thought of what?

Dekx: Maybe if you had made the movie I wouldn't have to yell at you.

SD: That doesn't even make sense.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that too, dumbass.

SD: So I should have thought of you not making sense, and then I should have thought of how I didn't direct Avatar? This is why I fuckin' hate talking to you.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought-

SD: Alright, you know what? I'm just going to leave now. I should have known you would be incapable of having a normal conversation.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that....

SD: THAT'S WHAT I JUST...god I hate you.

Fin

That's it! Those are the only two techniques required to win any discussion. Now go forth, ye argumentationists, and verily do the stuff what I have taughten unto thee. Pick out the most threatening and harsh ALF forum, you know that one you lurk on but never post because everybody's so hardcore about what galaxy Melmac is supposed to be in? Go there and fuck some shit up, my people! RISE UP IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT AND IF ANY FOOLS GIVE YOU ANY SHIT?! TELL THEM TO GOOGLE IT!!!

Asten

2010-01-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

Anybody else out there chew their aspirin? You know, in the hopes that you'll become an aspiring writer, get married, have a kid who can tell the future and talk to people with his mieeend, get a job doing maintenance in a seasonal hotel up in the mountains which gets snowed in every year and only has a CB as a means of long range communication, slowly go insane while finding out that the hotel is haunted, then race about the house trying to kill your wife and child with an ax until you finally freeze to death in the courtyard?

Just me? Or?....

When Computers Go Clubbing

2009-12-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

The odds are good that you don't listen to your computer the way you should. You probably just shoot off your fancy emails full of lolcatz pictures reminding people to use snopes, download illicit movies where emo zombies spend most of their time cutting themselves to feel, and post Facebook status updates about the size and consistency of your twosies. But guess what, you unfeeling bastards, computers have feelings. Feelings you're not feeling, because you're unfeeling bastards.

In an effort to bridge the gap between meat people and mech people, effective immediately, The Polish Ambassador will serve as Chief Rotating National Anthem and Sexy, Sexy Robot Porno Music Commissioner of Chakakhanistan. In his new position he will be in charge of ensuring that you lazy cretins move your asses to the heat of the beat and respect the angle of the fucking dangle for a change. It has come to the attention of the Triumverate of Power that TPA will be in Reno on Friday, December 18th where he will be dropping the 8-bit UMPS UMPS music that makes all the robots dance. I hear tell he does not just spin records but recreates his songs through various electronic apparatuses. I also hear tell that he gyrates AND UNDULATES to the music.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE:

You must do the following in order to maintain Chakakhanistanian citizenship:

Go to his website. While you are there you should listen to the new remixen...remixi...remixes he's been posting lately. They are all delightful but we have taken a particular shine to Outkast's Wheels of Steel.
Maybe buy an album or two, huh, you stingy ingrates? You've been sucking off of the Chakakhanistanenan teat long enough. You don't pay rent because we graciously provide underground bunkers, you don't pay for clothes because we dress you all in finely crafted matching, quasifuturistic running suits, and you don't have to pay for entertainment because we dole out all the subliminal message-laden cartoons you could possibly need.
Go fan him up on his Facebook page so I don't have to hold your seamless-palmed hands every time he does something of note. You people are adults for godssake. It's time for you straighten up and fly straight. Come in for the big win or I will take a giant shit on you.
Go to his show. That's twice I hadda' tell you. You know what happens if I have to say it a third time. I don't know why you people make me hurt you....

5 Things Missing From Zombie Flicks or: Put Me In, Coach!!

2009-11-22T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hi there, Hollywood. Can we talk for a minute? There are so many beautiful, feasible ideas that are being neglected in the genre of Zombie movies and I'm worried you don't even know what you're missing. Every time a new film comes out I get my hopes up that I'm going to get a fresh new look at solving the age old problem of killing a fuckton of shambling, undead corpses and then I get the same old shit. So here are five things I would incorporate into a movie were I writing/directing.

5. Why the hell do so few people wear armor in zombie movies? I understand a lot of them take place during the initial outbreaks so people aren't prepared necessarily for such an ordeal (Although seriously, you should be. It's really just a matter of time, people.). But once we're a couple of weeks into the infection I want to see people in a minimum of leather, top to bottom. Zombies are driven by their insatiable lust for blood, guts and brains, but they are still running on the Human 1.21.036 chassis. There is only so much power the average zombie can deliver. Leather would divert a majority of bites and scratches while leaving the good guys the ability to maneuver effectively. If they get their hands on some Kevlar or those crazy fucking bear suits, so much the better.

4. I'd like to see something done several months after the ZombPocolypse in which pockets of humanity have managed to survive and congregate. In that context I want to see a methodical collection of supplies from a given region, say a couple of city blocks, and then I want to see that shit burned to the ground. Zombies can't sneak up on you if you can see for a quarter mile in every direction. What's the sense in leaving buildings up when all they do is make good hiding spots and off-camera teleportation landing zones for zombies? I'll tell you what's the sense. NONE!

3. Pikes and shield walls. Hey, not everybody is going to get their share of guns from the sporting goods store and you can find trees all over. Let's see some old school medieval shield walls in the absence of firepower! I'm talking about the head-to-toe castle doors. And peaking between each shield should be a man with a pike, impaling reanimated facemeat until the cows come home.

2. True, high quality marksmanship at a distance. Also known as sharp shooting. Imagine a combination of the sharpshooter scenes from Black Hawk Down and the "cover me, I'm going in," scene near the end of The Long Kiss Goodnight wherein Geena Davis keeps Samuel L. Jackson alive as he makes his way through an enemy installation. I want to see a one shot, one kill scenario with some teeth to it!! Who gives a shit why the lone man on the ground has to get to the far side of the zombie horde? For all I know it's to save the last known living puppy. Or to get his hands on his irreplaceable stack of PorNoire comic book series Madame Ovary, the ongoing saga of a combination titty bar and OBGYN office. What's important is that he's zigging and zagging. Bobbing and weaving. And zombies are falling all around him because his brothers in arms turn their hats backwards when it's time to get serious, just like Lincoln Hawk.

1. Any high-caliber/high-rate-of-speed, antipersonnel gun being fired effectively and efficiently into a writhing mob of zombies. You remember the one part of Matrix: Revolutions that you actually liked? Where the squiddies came piling into the dock and they were being mowed down by the dozen? Imagine a mini-gun in the hands of a highly trained and experienced expert with a person dedicated solely to reloading and another to covering stragglers. This should not just be a scene where they manage to hold out for five or ten seconds while the hero gets away. I want total annihilation, wave after wave of bodies evaporating from the shoulder up.

These things are well within your means, Hollywood, so why do you keep fucking around? Is it because you're worried that if you set the bar too high you'll be required to achieve that level of awesome again and again? If that's the case, then bring me in for the Big Win. I've been waiting feverishly in the bull pen and I have a case of zombie movie blue balls so severe I have to wheel around a liquid nitrogen tank to keep them in check. I know it's scary, being cuckolded in front of your beautiful lady, the American Audience, but let's face it; if I don't give her what she needs Boyle and Romero are just going to wait for you to start making Twilight 3: The Emoning and then poke her ass when you're not looking.

Glad we had this talk.

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Third

2009-10-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

As we scamper across the barley fields of time, stalks gently swaying with the gentle caresses of gentle tachyons, we have come upon yet another lost moment from the history of our Great Nation. During the struggle for independence, Ben Franklin was sent to the moon to use his mighty technical prowess to harness the most powerful source of energy next to our sun: Moon Lightning. Wielding his mighty K.I.T.E., Franklin could coax massive amounts of electricity to power revolutionary muskets, printing presses, pot bellied stoves, and his magic bi-focal glasses.

At the same time (actually a different time {55BC by your puny calendar} that happens to loop around and coincide with Franklin's time - which also has links to 17 different time-spaces including Predeter and the last Sundeter of each Hectodeter), one Gaius Julius Caesar was invading the British Isles by way of the Sea of Tranquility. Needing to secure allies for when Hannibal attacked the Roman Empire earlier in 218 BC, Caesar was in negotiations with the Legion of Moon Monsters when Ben Franklin's lightning generating threatened to derail the whole process.

A great battle ensued with Franklin using a special martial art developed in Philadelphia, and Caesar attempting a formation known as "The One-Man-Phalanx". Many of the Moon's icy castles and great museums were destroyed as neither of these great titans would give ground. According to the few surviving witnesses, the battle only ended when a wormhole opened in the sky and a 50 foot tall Carl Sagan and Chief Sitting Bull stepped out, pleading for Franklin and Caesar to end their quarrel and reminding them they were both late for a party at Harvey Keitel's house. Harvey had drunkenly told everyone that he would totally kick their asses if they were late again because, as you know, it was only a month earlier that Caesar and Franklin rode their horses up the New Jersey turnpike as they tried in vain to stop Aaron Burr from killing Alexander Hamilton. Franklin claims there was traffic, but Caesar insists it's because Franklin had stopped off for chips and a coke.

The End

Why I'm Rad: by B.

2009-10-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I love me.

I know that a lot of people will say that is arrogant or, if they know me, completely delusional. But let’s examine the facts.

I smell frickin’ great. My scent is a combination of oak, fresh blood and chi. Primates of all varieties kill their handlers in attempted acts of heroic union. I can’t blame them. I was once told that my odor created a miasma of awesome that lingers longer than the half life of uranium.
I’m a giver. I work with kids and seldom make them bow and I often wring out my best silk-shirts to parch their thirst. That’s pretty rockin’ of me, you gotta admit. I’m also known for allowing women to ignore me while I stare at them longingly from the bushes. When I meet them, eye to eye (after I’ve removed the duct tape and adjusted their feeding tube), I even give them a shot of my hairy, 70’s-hot man-maries and my patented wry, but subtly predatory, grin. It’s a winner, like me.
I have no idea how to mime. You won’t hear me pretending to do stuff without making any noise… that’s all I gotta say about that.
I’m a grower not a shower. That might sound like a minus for all you judgmental size-queens out there… but you aren’t thinking it through: imagine your delight when the most awesome cocktail frank you’ve ever seen turns into the most awesome nearly full sized hotdog you’ve ever seen. Buckle up. ‘Cause it’ll blow. Your. Mind.
I know how to rock. I’m a full-throttle maniac partier with my nitros set at full-throttle. Hang onto the landing gear ‘cause this party-bus is about to set sail.
I haven’t beaten a hobo to death in, like, …days. I know what its like to combat my demons like a powerful warrior astride a noble steed. I charge daily into the melee of my tormented heart. That’s why I write poetry:

Like the glimmering eagle, my heart soars beyond

The beyond.

Like the stoic dragon, I sit upon the treasure of my heart

Sitting

With the strength of ten thousand naked barbarians.

Strong and naked

With the speed of a cat-ninja in a really fast car

Cat-ninja

I love you.

Darkness.

In summary: that’s why I’m awesome.

Fuck You, Totino's Party Pizza

2009-10-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

Catchy title, innit? Maybe tomorrow I'll come back and throw in some alternate, wittier titles as a post script. But I have more pressing matters to attend to. Most importantly of which is the need to set aright Totino's Party Pizza and the sick fucks who took the Devil's Paycheck to make this video right hmya.

Now look, I've been stoned a time or two, and drunk plenty times more, so I understand the world's need for cheap, affordable pizza. When you're fucked up you can't tell the difference anyway. Enter Totino's Party Pizza. You can eat probably 10 or 15 of them without batting an eye, no matter how slow your shift was your tips will always get you enough TPP to fill your gut, and they'll scratch that, "Well, it's this or the last of the Honeycombs, but if I eat all of the Honeycombs my roommate Larry will be pissed because we went in halvsies on that shit and he still hasn't had any and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to eat white rice with celery salt on it again" itch.

But better than toy robots? It's such an outlandish statement that at first I thought it had to be some sort of spoof. But they didn't rename the product to something that sounds like, "Totino's Party Pizza" but which actually wasn't. Nor did they have a disclaimer at the beginning or end of the video stating that obviously they're talking out of their collective ass. What really sealed the deal was when the actor playing the dad broke character and pointed out how awkward making such a ludicrous claim was. Between the dad-actor and the fact that the video was released in such a state, I can only assume that we must have some Chakakhanistanian operatives in deep cover with the ad agency that we forgot about. We used to keep really good track of them all but Heroes, Dexter and LOST are all back on TV and who the fuck has time to take TV notes AND secret operative notes?

There was a time, not so long ago, when Chakakhanistan would have mobilized our strike force and hunted down any and all people associated with this video, including those people who had seen it and put them all in our Awesomeness Prioritization Camps. But we're taking a page from the US's President Obama and will instead levy the following sanctions against Totino's Party Pizzas and the United States for aiding and abetting a bunch of dicks:

All shipments of squant pigment from Chakakhanistan into the US will be seized. This will effectively bring the Scratch-N-Sniff sticker industry to its knees, since squant is the only color that also has a scent.
Japan has agreed to stop making White Ninja training available to former US military operatives who were wounded in action and trapped behind enemy lines only to learn that the Japanese way of life isn't as barbaric as it seems once they let go their ethnocentrism and nationalism. The rise in Black Ninja Syndicate crime will no doubt skyrocket. NOTE: While normally a reliable ally to the United States, Japan has moved all robot production facilities to Chakakhanistan, which are actually powered and operated by our robots. If there's one thing Japan cannot live without, it's robots. And if there's one thing Chakakhanistan is good at, it's stockpiling robots.
We will rekindle the Chuck Norris internet sensation. It's been dying down the last few years with only the most intense fans continuing to churn out lame emails and Trade channel chat about beard fists and dividing by zero. But push us, assholes, and see what happens.

These sanctions will continue until the offending video is not only removed from all media outlets but is replaced with an apology video. The apology is to be no less than 30 minutes in length and the following statements must be made verbatim:

"If Toy Robots were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Cobra. If Totino's Party Pizza were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Rhinestone."
"The big difference between Totino's Party Pizzas and toy robots is that toy robots will never give you the shits."
"Sic semper tyrannis!!" This should be accompanied by video of a toy robot dressed as John Wilkes Booth shooting a Totino's Party Pizza in the back of the head at the theater.

That pretty much covers it. Fill in the rest of the thirty minutes with whatever you want. I'm partial to monkeys working their way through the space program, dumb jocks learning everything they need to pass their GED via montage, or you can just film a lava lamp with P.M. Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" playing in the background.

We're usually pretty cool with you, America, but this has gone too far for too long. Do the right thing and remind the international community why you're the 14th most awesome country in the world.

5 Things I've Learned From Buying Realestate in a Tanking Market.

2009-09-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

1. THE PROBABILITY OF A PROPERTY BEING AFFORDABLE IS INVERSELY PROPRTIONATE TO THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU WANT IT.
This is true for all possible permutations of the metaphore. What you want is unreachable... face it... this is the case in much in the same way that chicks who wear tight black rubber and who can scratch the middle of their back with their heel are very busy taking it from Italian dudes named Sergio with cocks the size of a small dog.

2. MORTGAGE BROKERS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.
When people are making a percentage directly off of you, their being friendly, socking you in the arm or batting their eyelashes does NOT mean that they want to "hang" or bear your children. Conversation about football or touching your hand while handing you a pen aside, your name may as well be "Meal Ticket".

3. A $475, 000 IMPULSE BUY MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA.
This is why YOU are a fucktard. You bought those clothes to be sexy with nobody to wear them for. Fail. You spent $1257.20 last year on DVDs and you've watched nine of them. Fail. You also whitened your teeth thinking that it would make up for the ugly smeared over the rest of your face. Epic fail. --Now you have the audacity to think, that after being fiscally irresponsible and, generally, a social failure that moving to a cooler city or closer to family will somehow make you less of a diappointment to your higher self. Not true... you DO disappoint you... don't argue the point, just put the gun in your mouth-- it's better than declaring bankruptcy... again.

4. DEBT GOES BEYOND DOLLARS AND CENTS.
If karma is real you're fucked. Prove me wrong...

5. THE PROPERTY YOU REALLY WANT IS THE FIRST ONE YOU WILL SEE AFTER BUYING THE ONE YOU ALREADY REGRET BUYING.
If you are an American and you are reading this then there is no use deny this... it is a truism. Upgrading is part of the American dream and the human condition. You've done it. Your neighbor does it. Your ex-girlfriend did it. Now she's happy.

Dekx's New Blog

2009-09-12T14:11:00.001-07:00

I have a new blog which I heartily encourage you to not only visit, but contribute to!! Go to http://myfavoritespoon.blogspot.com/ and share a pic of your favorite spoon and the story behind it!

Here's mine.

Disney Buying Marvel. MOTHbot is sad and doesn't understand why...

2009-08-31T22:06:00.000-07:00

If I had written this earlier in the day, this would have been some asinine rant, wailing against the injustices of the world and all that. Now, I'm much more mellowed out. I realize that Disney is buying Marvel to target that male demographic that the Disney Princesses DVD just doesn't reach. I realize, as Dekx calmly reminded me, they won't go and neuter Marvel and gut the comic trying to make Wolverine as toddler friendly as possible. It's not like someone will call up Joe Q and tell him they need to find something less menacing, like bunnies, to pop out of Wolverine's knuckles.

On top of all that, I've always been a DC guy at heart. Don't get me wrong. I love comics of all stripes; but my favorites have always been Superman, Batman and DC's golden age heroes. Up until this last year or two, about the only golden age heroes that Marvel paid any attention to were Captain America and Namor.

But here's the thing. Marvel was like that one cool sexy chick at school that you still had the hots for and bought her sodas all the time and carried some of her books, and caught yourself staring at her cleavage even though you were sorta devoted in your mind to someone else. Well, some rich senior named Blaine (that's not a name, that's a major appliance!) who has his own car, and gets the house to himself all the time while his parents are in Aruba and has cool hair and all the cool clothes, just swooped in and is taking her to the prom. And you just know, you just feel it in your bones, that Blaine is going to use her and crush her spirit and leave her knocked up and half alive somewhere in the desert a few years later! Who is going to want her after Blaine has taken all that was good out of her and left her a shambling, diseased, stretch-marked wreck of a woman?

But, there is hope. That chick DC, you've always had a crush on? Well, she's been married to old man Warner for quite a few years, and you have to admit she's still pretty damn sexy! She's got great cartoons and Batman movies to die for, and still gets to do adult stuff like Vertigo...

Hopefully Disney will stick to the plan and let Marvel be Marvel and she can still do all the sexy things she's always done.

For full disclosure, when the deal goes through, I'll be getting a check from Disney/Marvel for around $400 and have some shiny new Disney stock for all my troubles. And then, I will own a piece of Blaine. Mmmmmmmmmmm, Blaine...

5 Things I've Learned From the Movies...

2009-08-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

1. A NUT PUNCH SHOULD NEVER BE DISABLING FOR MORE THAN PART OF THE SCENE: No matter how badly it hurts, you will recover in time to diffuse the bomb. If you don't recover, then you were not the main character anyway and you are clearly a supporting character in your own life. In this case, you are better-off dying in a fireball.

2. ALIENS HAVE NOT CURED THE COMMON COLD: Never feel bad for your shortcomings or your lack of insight except to the extent that they directly fuck you. If the extra-planetary beings with genetically engineered brains don't have the foresight to see if a runny nose might end their race, you should clearly be able to forgive yourself for sleeping through your alarm.

3. TRUE LOVE IS THE CURE FOR DEATH: Allow the good stuff to overcome the bad stuff: episodes IV through VI should make up for episodes I through III, the profound break with reality you will suffer when finally acknowledging how truly small and powerless we really are will all end well when you get that crazy piece of strange in the psycho ward... and you'll never see mustard the same way again, and getting caught masterbating does not mean you should stop; you may as well get the payoff.

4. CHARACTERS NEVER FART DURING THE CLIMAX: Christian Bale never farts when saving the city... and you shouldn't either. There is a reason that hatching a necrotic ass bomb during a board meeting might be a bad idea.

5. THE VIOLENCE IN "SAW" IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HORRIFYING DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR MIND WHEN YOU REALLY GET WHAT GRANT MORRISON IS TRYING TO SAY: ... if you don't know who he is then google him... you sorry fuck... then go shoot yourself in the fucking head for being such a godamn waste of space.

We Haven't Forgotten About You

2009-08-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

We just don't care about you.

We have a blog-based project in the works in which we well SPEAK TO OURSELVES BEYOND RIGHT NOOOOOW!! Using Future Me.

In the mean time, this guy's site is pretty neat and you should check it out. Where else can you get a zombie a day? I am told that it will keep the meat sacks, doldrums, and any other mammal away. Plus there are creepy little biographies with each one.

http://toomanyzombies.blogspot.com/

Why You Should Be Glad I Don't Have a Head-Asplode Ray Gun

2009-08-15T00:41:00.000-07:00

Because I would asplode everybody's head. Seriously.

Go see District 9 and dream of a world where I have a Head-Aspload Ray Gun.

Con Zombie!!

2009-08-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

Had a good bit of fun at Comic con. My third time there. Got to see cool booths for the upcoming re-visions of "The Prisoner" and "V" as well as some cool movies. I bought too many toys and got to meet some of the actors from Torchwood! All that walking around and carrying piles of free-bees is too much for me to do all four days. I think the next con I go to, I'm going to spring extra for a table in artist alley. Not only to do some sketches and maybe even sell some artwork, but as a place to sit. Mostly as a place to sit. My shoulders hurt every time I go to a con and I can never find a place to sit and rest. Also, from past experience with helping out an artist friend, people treat you different when you're behind a table. When I was young and naive, I never minded that the artists didn't seem to really like me, or want to do sketches for me. In fact, I have a photo of me with Art Adams and I'm holding my sketch book open to a blank page, because in over 12 years of going to cons, he's always been too booked up, too tired, or just about to leave for a panel or something. I know this sound like a bad bit of gossip, but it's the truth. One year a friend got two-(2)-dos sketches from him after he had already turned me down earlier in the day. I've come to the realization that I must mumble and babble nervously without realizing it and somehow un-nerve them. I have a friend who got seven sketches within the first four hours of the con! I never even pulled my book out. I could just see all the artists eyeing me warily, trying to cover whatever sketch they might be working on and hoping I'd just shamble on to the next table.

But it's different when I'm behind the table. Then, they joke with me about stuff, they gossip, asking about my own artistic endeavors and treat me as one of their own. One day, Art Adams will come strolling by my table and want to talk to me about how cool my art is and then he'll demand that I let him sketch in my sketchbook.

And I will let him. Not because I'm forgiving or anything; I've just always wanted a fucking sketch from the guy.

An open letter to America

2009-07-06T15:34:00.001-07:00

Dear America,
You need to get your crap together on this giant robot thing. I keep passing out while trying to watch these movies of a full size Gundam Robot statue being built in Japan. And it looks soooooooooo sexy when lit up at night.
I'm not saying the Transformers in the new movies don't look awesome, but the movies are just crap and you seem to think that big explosions are all that matters. We need a more physical homage to our robot heroes. You need to build a giant Optimus Prime based on the old original toy. Build in someplace in middle America where you build cars, or in New York next to the UN building in honor of how Optimus Prime believes in protecting life in all its forms, shapes and colors. I'm pretty certain this Japanese Gundam is more than a statue. Their hiding their newest weapon in plain sight and we need to be prepared. Even if it's not a weapon, it's way cooler than almost any statue we have in America except for the Superman statue in Metropolis Illinois. I'm warning you America, I may take my portion of Chakakahnistan and move to Japan if you don't start building giant robots now.

Sincerely
MOTHbot

COMING SOON!!

2009-07-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

We are scheduled to shoot a couple of shorts this Friday. Will MOTHbot finally get that electric toothbrush he's been saving up for? Will Dekx win his bet and go 7 whole days without eating bacon? Will Frankenstein's monster ever forgive Dr. Frankenstein for not giving him a horse's cock?

Tune in to our YouTube channel in the next week or two to find out!

Arrogant Atheists

2009-06-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

I entered RLZ in a contest to win $25 of free loot with The Arrogant Atheist. I didn't win but I DID get a $5 gift card because of my email submission. Gogo entertaining stuff sent randomly! Form of...well...entertaining stuff sent randomly? I guess?

Subject:
$25 Gift Certificate Winnage

Body:
Whew! We sent this in just in time. Please send me some of your stuff and I'll wear it around without any pants on: That way people will notice your shirt and not the fact that I can't afford nice trousers.

Love,
Robot Loves Zombie

Some email, huh? So in return for this Runner Up, $5 prize, we're giving TAA a free plug. All six people who read this blog will probably go to your site now!

Edit:
P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get this one.

Dead Snow

2009-06-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

We here at RLZ are always searching the net for cool robot news and cool zombie news. It's hard work but we love it. I recently came across this bit of excitement from Norway. It has zombies, Nazi's and, at least in this trailer, Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I don't know about you, but I think Nazi zombies are the scariest kind!

B.A. Barakus: In Memorium

2009-06-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

We here at RLZ miss the days of the awesome tv shows such as Knight Rider, the Transformers cartoon, and most of all, The A-Team. So we have designed a shirt to commemorate one of the greatest television shows in the history of television, which should be in the Television Hall of Fame if it isn't already. Who could forget B.A.'s illogical fear of flying? Or how they had to knock his ass out to get him on various flying machines? Assholes, that's who.

Available now at http://www.cafepress.com/rlzc.

RLZ Philosophy Schools

2009-06-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Effective immediately every member of Chakakhanistan is required to attend one of the following schools of philosophy:

Dekx's Schroedinger's Razor:
If you cut open a kitten, it's definitely in the box, ipso fatso, the shortest distance between two lines is a point. You should be able to win pretty much any argument with that little gem.

MOTHbot's Occam's Cat:
The best solution is to keep trimming away cats until you have the simplest and most likeliest cat whose gravity equals the inverse square of it's distance from the box. Ergo, you can lead a horse to a black hole but it won't lay eggs.

Choose wisely, people. It's quite likely that while your lives will depend on which school you select, you will probably confuse the officers of the C.P.D. which will cause them to kill you just to be safe.

Dekx, High Grand Pubah of Public Relations and Killing Shit
MOTHbot, Grand High Pubah of Stabbing Kittens and Getting Caught by His Mom

¡¡¡Ultimate Cross-Over!!!

2009-06-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

There is a movie out there, yet to be born. It lurks in the shadows, waiting to bust a nut of awesomeness all over the faces of every person with a face. Just so you know when it's in theaters, it is called, ¡¡¡ULTIMATE CROSS-OVER!!!

Are you fucking insane? It doesn't have a plot you nimrod. There are too many scenes with ass kicking and one-sentence explanations as to why the next character is crossing over for there to be a plot. All you need to know is that you're going to have the four basic food groups of action movies: Super heroes, action heroes, zombies, ninjas, explosions, titties, robots, and ass-kicking.

Ok, it opens with a hot chick running down a busy street in Manhatten and one of her boobs falls out. That's when you see she's running from Megatron. Megatron's all, "I'm a robot and you're nothing but fartmeat, bitch!" Then, from a side street he gets pasted by a shot from Optimus Prime's blaster. They mix it up a little and have some sexy talk about killing/saving humans, and then, just when OP is about to finish off Megatron, OH SHIT! OP takes one on the jaw from Giant Zombie Shia LeBouf. And he's all "UNNNNNNNNGGNGNGNG." And OP's all, "Dude, I thought I handled you in Transformers 3: Everybody Finally Realizes That The Robots Are The Characters!" But OP knows he's boned, that's why he blows into an Energon whistle carved by Egyptians and summons forth Snake Eyes. And he's all, "......." but you just KNOW he means business from the way he stands there silently. So he takes a single leap and his sword basically materializes in his hand as he's hurtling towards GZSL. Snake Eyes stabs GZSL right in his peckeroo!!! And even though it shouldn't phase him, GZSL is all, "UNNNNNNNNGNGNGNGNG!!!" He's fucked up, right? Megatron sure ain't gonna' help him, Optimus has him over his knee and is working on making him a robotic hand-puppet. So at this point, like 14 minutes have passed and peeps are like, "Oh shit, I bet Kevin Smith busted his load way early, how's the world-famous director going to pull out the next 75 minutes?" But that's when Dr. Zaeus comes swinging in and gives Snake Eyes pretty much the biggest verbal smackdown he's ever seen. DZ points out the weaknesses of man, the futility of resistance, and what happens when you ask too many questions. Snake Eyes is all "........" but you see a little blood coming down out of his mask and you know he's cry-bleeding because it's eye blood. Well, now the bad guys have the upper hand and everybody's going, "Oh fuck!" So they're shitting their popcorn and Mike 'n' Ikes all over themselves when who should show up but The Vision and he starts shooting laser beams and shit all over. Now most of the audience will be all, "What the hell is that robo-Elvis doing in this movie?" But the savvy peeps, like 9 or 10 per audience, they'll be all, "Aw daaaayum, they done dug deep for some bad-ass Avengers b-list fools into this piece!!!" The Vision tags in with Optimus and...well I don't want to get too carried away, but it gets pretty intense from there. Following is an incomplete list of the other cross-overees.

-Bruce Lee as himself
-Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
-The Ghost of Christmas Future
-The Ripley/Alien Hybrid
-Mecha-Shiva (Hank and Dean Venture)
-Giraldo Rivera
-Godzirra AND Godzilla
-Zombie Charlton Heston
-Future-Charlton Heston, back fresh from the Planet of the Apes
-Jack Nicholson with a 9 iron
-That guy from work who's piss smelled just like sausage
-Superman
-Achilles from Robot Jox
-An old-school Cylon Centurion
-A Stretch Armstrong doll
-The original Doublemint Twins
-Trap Jaw
-Mecha-Black Midget (Emmanual Lewis, Gary Coleman, and the limo driver that steals Jim Carrey's wife in Me, Myself, and Irene)
-Chuck Norris (he's in the movie for like 3 seconds. He shows up in his Karate Jeans, everybody stops what they're doing and there's a record-scratch sound. Everybody turns and beats the living shit out of Chuck. They then break the fourth wall and say, "He's gone. Now shut the fuck up about him.")
-You know those two brothers from G.I. Joe? Tomax and Xamot? NOT THEM! It's Dial Tone.

That's all I know for sure that show up in the middle, but I have read the last two pages of the script and I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. If you aren't interested in a spoiler, you'd best turn back now, pussy.

At the end, a Predator and Wolverine show up and, because they have to sell a shitload of toys and lunchboxen, they whoop up on everybody. As the final head rolls, Wolvie and the Predator do the first ever on-film Jumping Claw High-Five Freeze-Frame.

For the opening night only, they will be passing out beef jerky and bacon sandwiches just as a way to get you out of the theater. You won't ever want to leave after you see that shit! Better set aside your $10 now. It's gonna' be awesome.

The Prejudices of Man

2009-05-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

I was watching a snippet of Night at the Museum when I realized an awful truth that Chakakahnistan must react to. While gorillas and chimps and orangutans get all the respect, monkeys get no love. Despite their cleverness and cuteness, monkeys are often portrayed as terribly undisciplined brats at best, or outright evil at worst. With a few exceptions, most movies and TV shows portray monkeys as deranged tormentors of crippled people, thieves, carriers of disease, and criminal ringleaders. Meanwhile chimps and gorillas are only evil because of something man has done to them. In fact, in rare cases where Gorillas or Chimps are portrayed as evil, those movies are box office failures due to the complete lack of believability. Anyone remember the movie "Congo"? I don't either. Otherwise the great apes are stalwart companions, capable co-pilots, and misuderstood loving giants.
Serously. You know better than to make wishes on a shriveled monkey paw! If you wish for your recently dead son to come back to life, he's gonna show up all bloody and hacked open from his accident at the saw-mill and the goddam monkey paw is gonna be all, "You didn't specifiy! You should have known I'd be a monkey dick about this." I'm sure if there was a story about making wishes using a gorilla paw it would all go according to plan...
Billions of Dollars? I'm sure you want some of that money in small unmarked bills and the rest in an offshore account. Oh, by the way, did I mention it's tax free? Yes sir, thank you for using Gorilla Mitt Wishing Services for all your wishing needs."
And when a monkey dies from eating a poisoned date? Well obviously the little bastard deserved it for his wicked betrayals and letting the Egyptians and Nazis know what basket you're hiding in. But when we have the military hop in their bi-planes and shoot a giant ape off the Chrysler Building it's our bad because he was just in love with some hot blonde and didn't know any better.
Why is this? Why should the smaller of our primate friends be seen as such demonic little pricks? Why is Ben Stiller being slapped by a kleptomaniac Capuchin? It makes no sense to me. And don't even get me started on robotic apes. That gets me all hot and bothered.

Updates and News and Alerts and Warnings

2009-05-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

I've put up more artwork.

In other art news, I up and started a wave of Ambigrams. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store. A rough sketch to be sure. I'm currently working on "Robot" and a double inversion that reads "Zombie", and then "Robot" when flipped. Or maybe "ZombieS" and RobotS" depending on how it all works out. It makes my brain sweaty to work on these, but it's like a cool puzzle to solve.

I wish I was actually way tiny and lived inside a full sized robot duplicate of myself so I could hide inside and do artwork while my gollum acted out daily life. There would be problems, of course. All my original artwork wouldn't be much bigger than 3 or 4 inches and I'd need a really good teeny tiny scanner to get big print outs. Which means I'd have to get Apple to make a tiny computer for me. And lighting would be a problem, what with all the heat from the bulbs. My robot's farts would smell like tungsten and copper.

MOTHbot

Billions and Billions

2009-04-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

An update of the life so far of MOTHbot J. Garcia Lopez Maria de las Albundigas Williams III.

Girlfriend Unit CV1 got me "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". I'm very happy to be reading this book. It has illustrations and dialogue like: "My dear girl" said her ladyship. "I suggest you take this contest seriously. My ninjas will show you no mercy." Reminds me of the Samurai Cat books by Mark Rodgers.

I'm also watching Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" that I got from iTunes. I've always been lazy and not read the books since I watched the show and kinda felt it would spoil the ending. But now I've decided to exercise my reading prowess... Right after I get done watching the series.

That reminds me of the time Dekx and I challenged Carl Sagan to a series of leg wrestling bouts over rights to claim the title, High Priest of Science. Carl totally whooped our asses and then never even used the title. I had it printed on some business cards but I never handed them out, even after he passed away, because I still feared his wrath. I keep meaning to travel back in time and demand a rematch and some lunch but I've been busy subtly manipulating Dekx's genetics by breeding with his ancestors. That's working pretty well since I'm probably the only person to be a great-great- great-great aunt while still alive.

I totally wish that when I got mad, one of my arms would turn into a silverback gorilla arm and I could smack bitches down. So I've started work on a project to make that happen. It's done using a technique of low level Quantum switching. So, theoretically there'd be a gorilla somewhere who suddenly had one pale, scrawny, useless right arm. I hope it won't cause him too much embarrassment. Right now, there are some kinks to be worked out on targeting the source arm and when I get angry, my right arm turns into a golden marmoset for a split second. Yeah, a whole golden goddam marmoset. He gets hella freaked out when he sees that he's growing out my right shoulder and that his right arm has been replaced with mine. We still don't know where his original right marmoset arm goes, but whenever it comes back, the fingernails are freshly manicured and it smells like curry.

Mmmmm curry...

The next step in my iLife is almost here.

2009-04-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I don't just let my iPhone tell me my appointments and what time it is anymore. I've now shut down the parts of my brain that deal with spacial location and just check my google maps App to figure out where I am at all times. The last thing I need to give up is awareness of self. I'll have to keep a photo of myself and all my relevant info on my iPhone and check it every so often. You see, it's no longer a symbiotic relationship. My iPhone is actually taking over being me. It is almost the sentient being with tasks and appointments and contacts. It has the REAL life and I am becoming the brainless beast of burden that carries it around to all it's appointments. I take it to have lunch with it's iFriends and play it's favorite iTunes. I may be the one that plugs it in at night so it can charge, but it's in charge of me. My sleek and stylish master. If my iPhone had legs, or knew how to drive a car (still can't parallel park) it would just kill me off and take over being me. So, when you saw me walking down the street and you said "Hey Mothbot! How's it going?" It would be my iPhone that glared at your stupid cheerful morning-ness. It would be my iPhone that hated you and your stupid white trash Blackberry.

2009-03-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

5 things I've learned from being a nerd...

1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.

B.

Straight-Faced Hollar

2009-03-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you...The Straight-Faced Hollar. It's pretty much going to be the game that sweeps the nation so get out your vidya' cameras and start rollin', bitches!!

2009-02-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

5 things I've learned from touching myself...
1. MY LOVE-SOCK DOES NOT CARE THAT I NAMED HER LOLA: My love-sock does not care about me. Neither does my fantasy girl. In secret she mocks me to other guys' fantasy girls. Tell no one about the dreams of shaved mastiffs in latex body-paint. They will not understand and it will scare their dogs.
2. BODY FLUIDS HAVE A SHELF-LIFE: Trust me.
3. THE WANG IS SIMPLE EQUIPMENT: I do not need a chick to swirl her tongue, lick my thigh or talk dirty. That's gravy. An up and down motion is all that is required. This is why men do not read themselves poetry when they rub one out.
4. BETT MIDLER IS NOT SEXY NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS OR HOW STONED I AM: There are certain things that are not erotic. Nasal surgery. Ground-glass enemas. Weak coffee. Ground liver and peanut butter shakes. Virgins who are determined to stay that way. Dentists. And Bett Midler. All of these are negotiable, except Bett Midler. She is to arousal what Galactus is to a small planetoid. This is still true while watching her on cable.
5. IF MY PANTS LOOK TIGHT, YOU SHOULD DUCK AND COVER: Waiting for the appropriate time to slap your ham is for sucks. I will do it when I want to do it and all you need to do is get me a paper-towel and a bottle of OxyClean.

B.

Important Memo From The Leaders of Chakakhanistan

2009-01-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

Inter-Country Memorandum
Glorious State-Nation Incorporated Churchenstein van Chakakhanistanheimer, Ltd., Ultd., LLC, Esq., III
Department of Measurements and Doughnut Sprinkle Color Approval

Effective immediately Chakakhanistan will move to Metric time measurements. The base unit of measurement will be the Detre. Because the metric system is nearly as flexible as our great nation’s historical timeline, the Detre can be scaled in multiples of 10. However, for the more dim citizens below are the formerly traditional standard measurements as compared to the new metric equivalents. It should be noted that this is for comparison purposes only and is not a direct conversion from the old system to the new one.

Millennium - Kiloyetre
Century - Hectoyetre
Decade - Dekayetre
Year - Yetre
Month - Hectodetre
Week - Dekadetre
Day - Detre
Hour - Decidetre
Second – Centidetre

Because of this conversion we will adjust the existing detres according to the new naming convention. We will also require 3 additional detres which are included in the official list of detres here following.

Mondetre
Tuesdetre
Pr0ndetre
Wednesdetre
Cleavagedetre
Thursdetre
Fridetre
Pyroclastic Flowdetre
Saturdetre
Sundetre

General nouns for the detre are as follows.
Every Day: Omnidetre
Someday: Somedetre
Yesterday: Predetre
Tomorrow: Postdetre
This Morning: Premultidecidetre A.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
This Evening (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Evening (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Morning (during time travel in the speaker's past?): Pre-PostPremultidecidetre3 A.M.

Additionally, this same basic structure will be employed to address the abundance of time travel which occurs within our unstoppable country’s magnificent borders. However, the complexity of such endeavors calls for an additional dimension. To handle this, the time travel calendar will be three dimensional and all units of measurement will be cubed.*

Kiloyetre^3
Hectoyetre^3
Dekayetre^3
Yetre^3
Centadetre^3
Decadetre^3
Detre^3
Decidetre^3
Centidetre^3

*Please note that Time Travel Detres^3 are in three dimensions, and not four. This stems from the fact that when one time travels, one can only mathematically access the time dimension which has grown dimensionally inside of itself while being traveled through, and any two of the other spatial dimensions. Most commonly this results in a loss of "depth" while forward-backward or right-left are still in play, as well as up-down. Many time travelers describe their experience as, "being trapped in a side scrolling video game". Further study is needed to explain the giant gorilla throwing barrels at you and stealing your princess. Some advanced time travel devices using much higher energy states have achieved detre^4 capabilities but often with disastrous results such as time travelers returning inside out or with reversed internal organs and speaking backwards. For now, we accept detre^3 as a safe and practical standard for time travel.

The above is effective immediately. All clocks are being replaced as you read this. Assume the Citizen Safety Position while the D.M.D.S.C.A. Temporal Replacement Crews are in your homes to avoid severe beatings and detention. As a result of the change to metric time you are currently late for your job and will subsequently be tortured by the Shiffless Fucker Motivation Ministry for the infraction and a permanent mark on your record will signify you as a dissident and revolutionary.

As Charles Dederich once said, “Todetre is the first detre of the rest of your lif-detre.”
Co-Rulers and -Subjugators,Dekx de los Florgenhorfer and MOTHbot P. Warrell

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Second

2009-01-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

As you schlubbs in our neighboring country of America get ready to watch Obama sworn in as president, I am reminded of one of the great historical inaugurations of Chakakahnistan. The year was 1923. Jimmy Carter had just barely avoided being eaten by Shargrillas and thus finishing his third term as president. He had gone through an unprecedented 15 vice-presidents and four first ladies. The economy was at its peak. The world trembled before the might of Chakakahnistan, and it looked like things could not get any better. But they did. Oh, yes they did indeed.

It was the hottest January on record during the coldest year since the Ice-Capades of '73 and few knew that history was baking in the oven. Baking a cake of historical awesomeness. In fact, we still call it the "Awesome History Cake of 1923". And it was the cake of the first Mythical Beast-Computer ticket. Much like our current and beloved team of RoboCop-Unicorn who mercilessly swept into office this year, the team of President Bigfoot, Vice-President Speak-and-Spell were destined to set all the records and be the world champs. After their inauguration, Bigfoot and Speak-and-Spell were to usher in a new age of powerful sauces and potent juices that revitalized the populace and lubricated the bureaucracy as never before. One of the few remaining daguerreotypes of the ceremony shows the guests from around the world, as well as a rare photo of first lady ChakaBigfoot. Despite Speak-and-Spell's fondness of the drink, and Bigfoot's constant harassment by big game hunters, this dynamic duo took our great nation to new heights and even got the elusive Jamiroquai to play at the Capital Discotech during Bigfoot's birthday. Then, in a drunken frenzy they declared war on the Shargrillas and that was pretty glorious too. But that is a spooky story for another day.

The End

Chuck and Joe

2009-01-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I like to stay up extremely late on my days
off. That time used to be almost entirely consumed by WoW but now that
I'm in recovery I do things like watch the Trinity Broadcasting
Network to learn more about zealotry.

That's when I saw the cartoon Joseph and the Many-Colored Coat.
Charlton Heston introduces the cartoon, and then you're whisked away
to a fanciful land where being a slave is good work if you can get it
and everybody in Egypt is as white as a cartoon will allow.

While searching for a video of the show I found a website that sells
it on DVD. So I left a review. Upon posting I found out that it has to
be approved so I figured it'd get shot down but it's up there!!

Check it: Deeper Shopping

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

2008-12-25T02:48:00.000-08:00

We here at Robot Loves Zombie have, over the course of the last year, not only become acquainted, but absolutely smitten with The Flight of the Conchords (I was going to put a slick link in the name but they have a million sites, none of which get updated regularly. I'm not bitter, though...). So I wrote them a letter today in the hopes that they can fix a problem they created through their endeavors. I got excited and sent off the first email too soon and had to create a second one. I also had to join fucking MySpace again just so I could send them a goddamn message. Enjoy.

Dear Flight of the Conchords (Bret and Jemaine),

I recently purchased your CD, Flight of the Conchords. I was enjoying the CD quite a bit when Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros [feat. Rhymenocerous and the Hiphopopotamus] came on. While the song is catchy and starts off well, one part in particular was a bit off-putting. Jemaine, a.k.a. Hiphopopotamus, clearly states that his lyrics are bottomless. Upon hearing this line I was more excited than ever by the song because I was looking forward to a lyrical buffet, as it were. So you can imagine my chagrin when I found out that, in fact, this so-called "rapper"'s lyrics were not only bottomful, but that they had indeed already run out.

As a consumer and aspiring rap artist you must understand how deeply this affected me. As of the time of this email, I am currently unable to listen to rap songs of any kind for fear that what the rappers say may not be true. What would the world be like if, for instance, Jay-Z only had 63 problems? Or take it a step further: What if one of his 63 problems was a bitch after all? Suppose for a moment that when Dr. Dre is on the mic, nobody crumbles like a cookie? Are we, the rapping community, really able to handle having so many sucka' ninjas standing resolutely against our rhymes? I submit that we are not.

To right this wrong, I strongly suggest you do the following things:

1. Record an alternate version of the song in which you fill the deafening silence created by your dirty, dirty lies.

2. Write or record a formal apology to your fans and the rap community at large. It would be nice if you mentioned me: It will help my activist agenda of making sure that everybody believes everything they hear in the media. I would happily post your apology on my blog and YouTube channel to increase your already considerable exposure.

3. Send me an autographed, FotC-branded item of your choosing. You can even have Brian/Murray/Rhys sign it for the sake of being thorough. This will show your commitment to making things right, standing strong in the face of adversity.

Do these things and you will be able to restore the world's faith in the rap game. I dream that one day my son will grow up knowing, not believing, but knowing that Vanilla Ice will cook MCs like a pound of bacon, that 911 is a joke in his town, and that, while a woman is welcome to do side-bends or sit-ups, she need never lose that butt.
That's a world you should want to raise your kids in as well.

Sincerely,
Josh Scotto, a.k.a. Dekx
Co-Blogger at www.robotloveszombie.blogspot.com

P.S. I wrote this note hoping that it would be easy to contact you two fine gentlemen. But to my surprise I had to create a MySpace profile since no other option appears to be available to me. As you must know by now, MySpace is pretty much the worst website of all time and space. It's like the Mos Isley of the internets only you don't get the satisfaction of slicing off a fool's arm when he acts like a fool-ass fool.

Please install a red "Conchords Phone" in your music/crime fighting lair at your earliest convenience. I shall do the same, ensuring that any time RLZ needs to contact FotC, we will be able to do so ASAP. Trust me, Jemaine and Bret, it's for your own good.

(Second email)
P.P.S.

I forgot to leave you a more amenable means of contacting us at RLZ while we all work on the Conchords Phone implementation.

Though you can find it by navigating to our blog, our email address is robotloveszombie@gmail.com

P.P.P.S.

Also, meant to put my rapping name in my signature, and so shall do it now.

Thanks for your time,
Beatloaf

Get Fuuucked, MySpace

2008-12-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

I dunno why I joined MySpace, exactly. I think it had to do with the hot rollerderby girls here in Reno. But I fucking hated it there. While going through the 17 screens required to destroy my MySpace account, I found a box with seemingly unlimited characters asking my why I was leaving that cyber shit hole. Following is what I wrote and submitted.

Well, where to begin? For starters, it's slow. This may have something to do with all the people coming here, but more likely to do with the fact that it seems the whole thing was coded almost at random. Perhaps you you guys hired some of those Shakespeare-writing monkies? Or perhaps your servers were shot in the face with an HTML cannon? I dunno, but I get a headache just looking at this place, never mind trying to navigate it.

But more importantly, I hate it here. It's full of amateur pornographers that want me to watch them diddle themselves on webcams and then send them what little money I don't spend on professional pornographers diddling themselves on webcams. I also seem to have contracted what is either Herpes Symplex B or a case of The Babies. In any event I'm swollen, red, and full of penicillin.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I'm never coming back and felt you should hear it from me so you're not surprised when you come by to read my latest blog entry. But do not despair! We will always have those unbareably long waits when trying to move from one page to the next. That's how I will forever remember you.

Love Always,
Dekx

And now here's a song by one of Robot Loves Zombie's Ukelele Girlfriends singing about MySpace. I wish all of our posts could have such relevant outros.

"Eat Dat Cat Poo!!"

2008-12-23T13:53:00.000-08:00

Due to the holidays and some recent retirements, there are a lot of potlucks going on today. Normally I don't mind potlucks because I think I eat what average people eat so I don't mind smelling what they cooked.

But today...

Today I smelled what I can only describe as cooking cat shit. There was nothing else I could associate the smell with that would explain the horriblenessitudinosity of it. For reals. Obviously I was concerned. Who would cook cat shit? More importantly, who would eat cat shit?! Even MORE importantly, who would cook cat shit then bring it to work hoping somebody would eat it?!?!?

I'm at odds with myself: On the one hand, the inexplicable smell of cooked cat shit. On the other hand, it seems nearly impossible that somebody would cook cat shit. If I'm wrong, then obviously I'm out of balance. I'm bonkers, nuts, apeshit insane. But if I'm right...GORT help us all...

Note To Self

2008-12-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

Do NOT fart in your cube while you're wearing headphones. You'll have no idea how loud it was and that's wicked dangerous.

Election 08

2008-11-04T22:13:00.000-08:00

We here in the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. would like to congratulate the United States and Barak Obama. While our relationship with the US has been tenuous at best since the atrocities committed against us by the Nixon administration, we look forward to a more open and rewarding dialogue with the newly elected commander and chief.

For America, this is an amazingly historic moment. It's the first time an African American or "Black Person" has been elected to such a lofty office. Chakakahnistan applauds this choice. Our recent election which was won handily by RoboCop and Unicorn had several firsts of its own that America may still not be ready for. Firstly, RoboCop is the first cyborg elected to this office. Some of you may say, "Wait, Optimus Prime served 01010110 terms as president!". But we remind you that Optimus Prime is a full robot, and Chakakahinstan has never shied away from electing a robot to high office. But this is the first time that someone half man, half machine and all cop has held this office. This of course is not counting the three years when Dekx let a robotic ape with Liberace's brain run our nation church state corporation. That's not really a cyborg. We don't know what it is, but it wasn't a cyborg.

This is also only the second time in the history of Chakakahnistan that a Mythical creature has served since Teddy Roosevelt won in '87. Again, something America may just not be ready for.

We do however, have some concerns and suggestions for the new President of America.

1. Favorable Trade status with Chakakahnistan. Like China, we are not afraid to use slave and prison labour to produce cheap and dangerous products. Unlike China, we are not ashamed of that fact. We are not intimidated by so-called Humanitarian Watchdog Groups. We simply drug them and they wake up in the mines being menaced by robot guards with plasma whips. Also, America still owes us $50 that we loaned Henry Kissinger when he ran into a little "gambling debt".

2. End hostilities with Japan. I haven't really kept up with the war and all, but they build damn fine robots and if you keep antagonizing them, the Japanese may turn them loose on America someday. Don't say we didn't warn you.

3. More freedom for the undead. While Chakakahnistan has had a zombie first lady and several rotting presidents, and we have had to shoot them all in the head eventually, at least they got to serve. Meanwhile, America has kept the zombie population violently reigned in. You can tell a lot about a nation by how it treats its zombies.

4. You guys don't mind if we hit it with that Palin chick, do you? I mean, she's ripe for what you might call a, "heaving beef missle grudge fuck," if you catch our drift (/wink). We don't want to be lewd so we'll leave it at this subtle intimation but you'd be cool with it, right? If it would be weird for you guys we totally won't do it but we didn't think it would hurt to ask.

4a. Please don't make us invoke the time-honored "Brosiffs Before Hosiffs" code.

5. Increase the speed of light. If anyone can do this, America can. Chakakahnistan already benefits from unrestricted universal speed. We have the "Warp Vortex Cane Punch" cane that allows me to instantly punch Dekx in the neck from miles away through the warp gate attached to the top of my pimp cane. Dekx and I often time-travel in order to try and kill each other or to "do it" with each other's mom and try to become each other's fathers. And we just recently completed the main power supply of Planet Baracus. Our crack unit of commandoes built it out of car parts, old lumber and two siamese cats that they found in the LA underground. I don't understand how it works, but I'm assured it involves the cats being fired out of a cannon and going faster than the speed of light and driving around in a van a lot.

In closing, I would like to quote the great and wise Maya Angelu;

"Ice Cube will Swarm, On any motherfucker in a blue uniform!"

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the First

2008-10-23T16:51:00.000-07:00

Vienna, Austria. 1808 AD
Ludwig Von Beethoven was between his 6th and 7th Symphonies. Napolean Bonepart was running around Europe and getting in fights. Knowing that Vienna was protected by Beethoven, Napoleon commissioned the design and construction of his fourth, and largest, Coal Powered-Automatic Soldier in hopes that he could conquer Vienna without any chance of resistance. Taken by suprise, much of the city was crushed by the giant metal feet of Napoleon's lumbering juggernaut. This destruction continued unabated for a few minutes because Beethoven couldn't hear all the screaming and crashing and simply wondered why all the stupid people were running around and making faces at him. But once he was properly notified by the city through use of the Beethoven signal flashing across the sky, Ludwig sprang into action. Swiftly he dashed through the streets of a terrified Vienna and spying the nearest piano through the smashed open wall of a family sitting room, Beethoven played the secret chords that allowed him to grow to considerable size. Beethoven found the robot closing in on the Schatzkammer where the royal jewels of the Hapsburg are kept. Napoleon wanted these to help finance his wars, and also because some of them would look stunning pinned to his jacket.
The fight raged for many hours, with only one restroom break, and one break for tea.
Beethoven won.
Demoralized, Napoleon next tried to invade Russia and that sorta failed too and led to his eventual defeat by all the other people that didn't like him. Napoleon's giant robot was last seen limping toward Poland.
Beethoven went on to write more symphonies and was the first to make contact with diplomats from another planet. He kicked their asses too.

The End

Lost Tablets of Tales of Mothy

2008-10-13T22:16:00.001-07:00

I'm back. For a little bit. To check on my experiments, test the pasta and make sure it's cooked properly, add a dash of salt to soup, and make sure they flick all the rat droppings off the plate before it goes out to the customers. Other than that I've been up to my neck in artwork and overtime at real work. I'm finishing up special sketch cards for a set known as Marvel Masterpieces. These original sketches get collated in with the regular cards and are pretty rare. I also get some of my own to draw up and sell on e-bay or as commissions. I'm already $200 richer than I was last week. So, yeah. It ain't exactly comics, but I'm getting paid to draw Marvel characters.

On another art front, I have two pieces of pen and ink drawing in a one night fund raiser show for Reno Erotico Diablo. I got to draw robots with boobies! When I went to drop off the artwork, at a local boutique that's helping put on the show, the owner asked me to do a show in her store, so there's that too.

I've also recently un-earthed some lost files from the history of the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. As soon as we have more catalogued and verified by our legion of super-smart chimp lawyers, we'll begin posting those. It will change the way you look at history. Forever. Even in the future when they have re-forgotten the things we are about to teach you, it will blow their future minds like a talking space jellyfish just stung their enlarged psychic prostate!

MOTHy

Space Monkeeeey, Space Monkey!

2008-09-10T16:08:00.001-07:00

I have never, ever wanted a space monkey more than right now.
Nor have I ever wanted to be in a jazz/hip-hop fusion band more than right now.

Hell is Staind

2008-09-08T08:47:00.001-07:00

I have the fucking terrble Staind song, "Believe" stuck in my head. I'm not going to link you to the song and fuck it, I'm not even going to rant about it. Suffice it to say that it's hellish. And the worst part is that I don't feel like listening to my iPod right now so I'm just sort of stuck here with Aaron Lewis steadily filling me with rage. God help the poor fucker who cuts me off in traffic or stands outside of my cube talking about football today...

Wafucka?!

2008-08-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

So I started watching this the other day at work. I don't quite recall how I came upon it. In any event, I found it to be incredibly compelling. I couldn't stop watching it! Until I imagined somebody walking into my cube and catching me staring adoringly at it. Once I imagined myself trying to explain to my boss why I had Ronald JapDonald freaking the fuck out on my screen, turning it off was the only logical course of action. Enjoy!!

EDIT: As soon as I put this up on the site I started watching the video again and got sucked back in! I just can't shake the feeling that this is getting me ready for something. Like I need to watch it so I can be reprogrammed so I'll be ready for when we have to fight the first wave of AI robots or something. Or maybe they're peparing me for a life of servitude. MOTHy and I can hang out in our future-track suits and watch bizarre Japanese McDonald's remixes all day on the Holo-Vid until it's our turn to be harvested for parts to build ZombiOts: The first Robot-Zombie hybrid. And one day, the Good Lord willing, we'll be able to infect the flesh with lycanthropy AND zombie-ism to make the most powerful being of all time!

The Werombiot. BOOGILY!
Or else it's just some weird shit from a weird culture.
Or is it?

I Knew Right Away He Was Classy

2008-08-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

I walked into the bathroom near my office today and I knew immediately that there was a classy guy in the shitter.

1. Despite me making sure I was noisy enough to alert him to my presence he was blasting out the sloppiest, underwear-striping, juice farts you could possibly imagine.
2. He was on the phone.
3. He sort of took his time getting off the phone.
4. He then got even sloppier with the pooper cheeze whiz.
5. He has a mullet.

Toy Hiatus

2008-08-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

So check out this sexy bitch right mhya. That's right, it's the Lego Death Star and it's glorious. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be mine. It was like I was 10 all over again and dreaming about the expensive stuff in the mini-catalog that comes with smaller toys. So I told my wife, Nellbot, that, oh yes, it will be mine. So serious was I about making sure I got this Lego juggernaut, or Legonaut, if you will, that I swore off all other toys until I have this at Christmas time.

The idea is that, by staying my toy habit for a few months I would easily be able to justify spending the money I would have spent on several smaller toys on this one sex machine. I see now that I have fucked myself by saying I would wait until Christmas, though, because I know I would have spent more than $400 on toys between now and then. It's almost certain. So we're actually saving money by doing this.

While it's still totally worth the hiatus, I have not curtailed or altered my toy shopping habits, it's just that I don't buy anything. So whenever I'm in Target or Wal-Mart I still go immediately to the toy section it's just that I know ahead of time I'm going to have a massive case of blue balls when I leave. Some days it's not an issue because they have the same old shit but there have been a few serious temptations over the last 8 weeks that have tested my faith.

First I saw these sweet little fellows from Funko (please excuse my ghetto SnagIt/PowerPoint photo skillz). I already have a bunch of their Star Wars bobble heads so you can imagine my excitement when I saw these. But I knew right away it could not be. For the Lego Death Star holds a place in my heart that no bobble heads, no matter how gloriously Avengers, could fill. It was tough leaving these beauties behind but I held my head up high and looked valiantly to the future and my Lego Death Star and the end of my toy moritorium much the same way that Edmond Dantes looked forward to escaping from Chateu d'If and finding his beloved Mercedes.

Another line of toys I have which I enjoy very much are Hasbro's Muggs. I currently have several of the Star Wars ones and so I was once again pleased and heartbroken to see other classics in the line up which I really, really wanted to pick up. Behold! INDANA JONES MUGGS!!!

But, as you might have guessed by now I did not pick these up either. This is going to be an ongoing saga for me and therefore you, as well, until I get my baby. Subsequent related posts will almost certainly just be photos of other awesome toys I didn't buy.

I knew it was going to be hard...but I did not know it was going to be this hard...

Reserved

2008-08-01T10:16:00.001-07:00

As promised, I give you...Robot Loves Zombie Curiosities!!!
And I assure you, there will be more to come....
mmmuahaha...muaaahahahaaa!
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Doo'Doo Doo Doo'Doodleooh, Dooooo Doo

2008-07-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

Peep the sexy shoes. I got these just over two years ago and wore them about three times then promptly forgot about them. Today I found them in the bottom of the entryway closet and realized that they're awesome all over again.

So I'm in my Umps Whicky ONE shoes today. Don't be surprised if I bust out any number of the Four Elements of Hip Hop on your cracker asses. I may bust a rhyme, I may bust a move, I may bust out my beat box skillz, or I may bust out some ill turntablism to your dome. I may do all four, mutha' fucka'!

Queue Dr. Dre's Dre Day for these bitches, Mix Masta MOTHbot.

I'M OUT!
PEACE!!

MOTHy Goes To The Dentist

2008-07-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

So MOTHy went to the dentist today and as a result one side of his head is all floppy and soggy-like on account of the Novacaine. When he told me this I immediately had a day dream in which we got him a hockey helmet and went to Busch Gardens and used his newly attained Retard Status to cut to the front of the ride lines. Naturally this would be portrayed to the audience as a Buddy Montage with lots of shots of MOTHbot getting ice cream and the mustard from his hot pretzel all over his face, accompanied by Queen's You're My Best Friend. There would also be a scene in the montage where he rubs his face in a hot girl's tittays but she's totally ok with it because he's retarded. Then I get a turn just so I don't feel left out. Then we're doing the Eiffel Tower on the chick and she's trussed up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Man, if only MOTHy were actually retarded;
He'd be so much more fun!!

Cheering Up

2008-07-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

I have had an unbelievably infuriating day because people seem to have all accidentally been labotomized last night. People that aren't completely stupid are doing completely stupid things. It's pretty amazing that it's all happening on one day.

PLUS I can hear some irritating dumb cunt from the next department down from us not just popping her bubble gum, but apparently blowing that shit up with a cherry bomb ever 15 seconds or so.

To cheer myself up, though, I'm going to share with you all a revelation that occurred to me last Friday while taking the ol' pissaroo.

I dunno if ladies can see their pee stream but us fellas have nothing better to do during the ol' pissaroo. If you pay even a little attention to it you'll see that it comes out spinning, as though the wang were rifled. This really never sparked anything until Friday when I suddenly realized that it had to be the Coriolis Effect. That's what makes hurricanes spin clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere. But it works on my dick and piss, too! AWESOME! Plus that means if I were to pee in, say, Antarctica, my piss would swirl in the opposite direction it currently does. I wonder if that would hurt or feel different.

I wonder....

Anniversaries

2008-07-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being married is tough all over, even in Chakakahnistan which has some of the most liberal relationship laws on the planet. Gender and race are so yesterday! The Nation-State-Church-Corporation of Chakakahnistan fully embraces relationships with robots as well as the undead and is always looking for ways to improve your love life. To help you further enjoy your indefinite servitude to your spouse/master, we present the official Anniversary themes for subjects of our beloved Nation. Whether you slave away here on Earth, or have pioneered the far regions of newly acquired Planet Baracus, you may find much joy in these annual themes.

1 Year- Monkey (anything simian will do)
2 Year- Unobtanium
3 Year- Turn-tables
4 Year- This anniversary is forbidden. Just skip it.
5 Year- Subliminal (Buy Spend Kill)
6 Year- Robot
7 Year- Go to Year 14
8 Year- Olde Tyme Radio
9 Year- Stigmata
10 Year- Coffee
11 Year- Techno Music
12 Year- Left Ear
13 Year- Death Star
14 Year- Go to Year 7
15 Year- Christopher Walken
16 Year- Quantum Mechanniversary
17 Year- Agnostic
18 Year- Anniversary of the Living Dead
19 Year- Hip-Hop
20 Year- Quarantine
21 Year- Optimus Prime
22 Year- Meat Helmet
23 Year- Ninja Star
24 Year- Ol' Dirty Bastard (The rapper, not the lifestyle)
25 Year- Munchausen Syndrome (They can't leave you if they need you)
26 Year- Shooting Spree with His and Her Tinfoil Hats
27 Year- Suicide (It's the best gift you could give your mate!)
28 Year- Loudly Singing Songs You Don't Know The Words To
29 Year- Beating Off While Quietly Weeping in the Shower, Sad and Alone, Wondering Where It All Went Wrong
30 Year- Church State Republic of Chakakhanistan Incorporated Flag's Mythical Creature: The Body of a Unicorn and the Head of Chaka Khan.
31 Year- Dutch Oven
32 Year- Stockholm Syndrome (Are you a spouse or a hostage?)
33 Year- Large Pants
34 Year- Heisenberg Uncertainty-versary Principle (Where is your spouse and how fast is he moving?)
35 Year- The Taint
36 Year- Walkie Talkies!

50 Year- Bruce Springstein
75 Year- Kryptonian
99 Year- Anni-fucking-versary- Tmesis
100 Year- Cosmic Space Baby

That should get most everyone started. We'll fill in where needed. Remember: the penalty for not following these themes is death, re-animation and re-deathing.

n00bta(that should be an "at" symbol but Blogger won't let me use it)rd (Tmesis)

2008-07-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

So I develop and support databases for my company. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 active databases and 300+ users between them. Whenever people have problems I always get the person straightened out and happy, then I make sure the issue is permanently resolved so I don't have to continue dealing with it. That keeps me happy as well as my customers. On the whole, I enjoy this aspect of my job.

!BUT!

I do have to deal with what many interwebs-savvy people might call a n00bt@ard (pronounced "Noob Tard"). It's a term used to denote that somebody is both a "noobie", meaning they don't have any technical skillz and a retard. While noobtards are almost always my biggest source of irritation, they make for good stories. In the past I had to deal with a woman who was trying to drag a file from Windows Explorer to a Browse box to attach a document in an Internet Explorer web page. Another woman didn't know that the Reply All button even existed in Outlook, much less what it does. Those women are two of my biggest noobtards but neither really compares to the third noobtard in the n00bt@rd God Head.

Today she emailed me and said, "My database doesn't work, can you halp?"

Me: "Maybe. If you tell me what database you're talking about."

NT: "The Such and Such Research One."

Me: "Ah, well try reinstalling it using the attached file."

NT: "I ran the file and it still doesn't work. What should I do?"

Me: "How about starting with WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING!!! Did the installation file fail? Does the shortcut not appear on the desktop? Are you getting an error on open? Are you getting an error when running a specific report? Are you getting an error regardless of what report you run? Is your fucking computer on fire? Is your vision just blurry from all the goddamn paint chips you ate as a kid? Or does your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome prevent you from thinking back to the fucking THOUSAND OTHER TIMES I have helped you troubleshoot a database and realizing that "It doesn't work" doesn't tell me shit about what's wrong?"

I see now why IQ tests focus primarily on the ability to recognize patterns. All of the stupidest people I have ever met can't seem to get past "2 +" to seal the deal. What boggles my mind, and more importantly enrages me, is that these mother fuckers not only hold jobs in real companies like mine, rather than mopping spoo at a porn shop, they stay alive! They manage to get dressed, not get run over by trucks, not to shower with their plugged in hair drier, or jump into tiger cages at the zoo.

Man, I love my job...

Tipping Dominos

2008-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Any good conspiracy theorist will tell you that the news never, ever, ever tells us the truth. They are constantly looking for new ways to manipulate our minds to keep us scared and consuming things we don't need in order to keep the Thiefocratic Capitalist Industrial Killing Machine rolling at full steam. But the very best conspiracy theorist marks some of the lowest forms of humanity since they base all of their "theories" on random bullshit, circular logic, and weak, unsupported arguments. We here at Robot Loves Zombie do not condone such behavior nor do we allow such things to go unnoticed or unchecked. MOTHbot and I are an Atheist and a logical Agnostic, respectively, and both can be accurately described as reasonable Skeptics.

Having said all of that, check out this shit and this other shit I found on CNN.com yesterday! It's only a matter of some short years before

A. We get Ironman-type armored combat suits made available to the general populace. Of course they'll be marketed simply as a means of personal transportation but there will immediately be an underground market catering to people who would like their transportation to also support our 2nd Amendment Right to fuck shit up at or near the speed of sound.

B. We finally update our robots to be more human-like than ever and we have a force that can finally face the zombie hordes without fear or reservation. Only an unwavering efficiency in the face of insurmountable odds. They'll be the New Vanguard of human civilization.

C. Option B happens but MOTHbot and I have our brains downloaded into the only two Deluxe models of the robots above ever made, control the New Vanguard saving what's left of humanity and then promptly subjugating it and finally realizing The Church of the Nation State of Chaka Khanistan, Incorporated, LLC. in all it's glory!!!

So if you're out there reading this I highly recommend that you learn the CNSCKIL national anthem, "Stockholme Syndrome" by Muse and work on your zombie skull bashing skillz because Dekx and MOTHy ain't got no time for pussies or despots. IT'S ROBOT TIME, BABY!!! BRING ON THE FUCKIN' ZOMBIES!!!!

Fucking Cold Play

2008-06-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

As promised, it's time to blame something on MOTHbot! Hooray!! Now I'm just going to say up front that this isn't actually his fault, but I'm blaming him for it anyway; Fucking Cold Play.

There are lots of bands out there that are or were very popular whose music I did not enjoy at all but could appreciate their skill and appeal. The Dave Matthews Band is a fine example. They're talented and not at all offensive. I don't LIKE them, but they're just kind of there and don't pique my ire in the least.

But Fucking Cold Play...they just produce this super-homogeneous, ueberemo, lilting bullshit. It all sounds forced and contrived, it's all boring, and it all sounds the same. I seriously am completely unable to tell one song from the next and I have for at least a year now said that they only have one album that just keeps coming out with new installments. Now I can typically handle bad. If it's just the right kind of bad it can be good. But what I cannot handle is bad becoming popular or successful. Eddie Murphie is a great instance in which a terrible, untalented, unfunny hack somehow manages to get funding and viewers for movie after unbearably bad movie. If he just ran around being awful and nobody really took notice except to say, "Shit on toast, that's a whole mess of Weak Sauce sin Jalapenos," I wouldn't want to gut him like a fish. Likewise, Fucking Cold Play's insidious ability to somehow trick smart, right-thinking people with some semblance of taste into purchasing their music just makes me want to puke.

So as MOTHbot and I were eating tasty Port a' Subs sammiches and I go off on my 17th diatribe about Fucking Cold Play (as seen above) MOTHbot gets this kind of relaxed, semi-Buddha look on his face and says, "Eh, they're not that bad." And just like that, Fucking Cold Play was Fucking MOTHbot's fault. It was like his lack of contempt somehow sent a ripple backwards in time and caused Fucking Cold Play to come into existence, suck massive assholes, become incredibly popular, and hence cause me to hate them. Now if there's one thing I hate more than Fucking Cold Play it's when people other than me send ripples backwards in time. ESPECIALLY if it's to create something as awful as Fucking Cold Play.

So I redoubled my efforts to will Fucking Cold Play out of existence via the power of The Impotent Rant but to no avail! Fucking Cold Play is still around and they're still producing terrible music. Or maybe they're just re-releasing their one album all over again, I honestly can't tell.

FUCK YOU MOTHbot!! Fucking Cold Play is your fault because you don't hate them! This is on your own conscience, dude. You brought this on yourself:

I no longer hate Offspring. Oh yeah, I said it. Have fun with that shit, beeeeeitch!!!

Quicky Now, Longy Later

2008-06-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have something that I'm going to fully blame MOTHbot for in a longer post but for now consider this:

I just belched and it tasted JUST like ham. However, I haven't eaten ham in roughtly 6 days. I can't decide if that's awesome or not. This is the kind of thing they should be adressing in 400-level Philosophy and Psychology classes at UC Berkely. The Ham-Dekx Conundrum will baffle minds for decades to come! But eventually it'll become some kind of scale. I dunno for what, though. "He appears to have the perfect human psyche; Raised by Atheist Libertarian Ninja Skeptic Scientists, and look at his Ham-Dekx Rating! It's off the chart!!"

Trading Up?

2008-06-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Humon Girlfriend Unit: CV2000 has sent this article on to me.
Now, the article states that the target market will be "lonely adult men". I happen to want one of these even though I have a humon girlfriend unit. I know they'll be jealous of each other. One of them will always be feeling like I spend too much time and have more fun with the other. They'll make sharp comments about each others' hair even though they both have cute hair cuts. I may accidentally slip and call one by the others name, but they'll just have to get used to it. Hell, my humon girlfriend unit confuses me and her dogs all the time!
The main difference that I see, besides the singing dancing and handing out business cards, is the automatic kissing. Robo girlfriend can detect my approach and prepare to give me a sweet smooch. That's right humon Girlfriend Unit CV2000, No more denying me kisses because my breath smells like ass, or because I've been ignoring you for days while working on perfecting my anti-zombie creams and lotions. Robo girlfriend will kiss me whenever I want her too.
And Robo girlfriend, quit puckering up whenever my cats walk by. I'm just not into that.

Ugly Betty is the Greatest Show EVER!!!!!

2008-05-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Before you get the torches and pitchforks, at least allow me to explain.
I was over at Girlfriend Central for snuggles and kisses last night and she was watching the season finale. I've seen one or two other episodes, and the show is always pretty funny, just not something I'd watch regularly. But this episode, this... masterpiece of TV...
Well, one of the storylines is about Betty's boss and how some little French kid shows up at the office and claims to be his son. While they get to know each other, Daniel (the boss) asks the kid if he likes movies. The kid says, in his soon to be adorable French accent, "I like zee Jonny Depp, Zee Matrix, ahnd, zee Tranzformers. Shia Labouf... Not goood, but Megan Fox... Haut!"
That's right, some little French bastard on Ugly Betty just dick punched Shia Labouf on a popular show that I'm sure 70 Billion people watch! This is the beginning. Soon, the whole world will hate the LaBouf as much as I do. Soon, the backlash will drive him running to drugs and booze and indiscriminate sex with loose women, men and animals and eventually his ingloriuos death at the hands of a transvestite hooker and a toothless badger high on crystal meth that whack him for rent money. I hope the badger makes balloon animals out of LaBouf's entrails. Soon, I will not fear going to the theatre only to find a movie ruined by "that spunky kid who won't shut UP!".
Has anyone seen the new Indiana Jones? Me neither.

MOTH

Gestaltbot 9.0, Mothafuckaaaaas!!!

2008-05-13T12:35:00.001-07:00

GREAT fucking news on the Gestaltbot Saga: I'm adding the corvettes stingray from the badass, one-season wonder, Stingray. Peep the strategy. I know what you're thinking and no, Stingray will not replace Nighthawk as the right arm. Instead, Stingray will turn INTO A STINGRAY and become the chest piece from which all the additional guns and lasers will rain death on this little bitch, MOTHbot and his pussy brigade. Recognize.

Forum? Or Against 'em?

2008-05-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

While I'm stuck here on Earth, maintaining the Nation State Church of Chakakahinstan Incorporated, Dekx is on Planet Baracus getting things set up. Every once in a while Dekx will e-mail me about some Troll on the World of Warcraft forums. Usually Dekx will just e-mail me the newest brilliance from Mcstabberson and we'll have a good laugh. But I can't really stand reading actual forums or discussion threads, so I like just reading the one quote I need and not all the petty, juvenile dribble leading up to and following it.

Dekx: Check this out. It's got some great Mcstabbersons in it.* https://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=6286473238&sid=1

*(Not and actual quote. Just getting the convo started)

MOTH: Next time, just send me the quote. I hate reading forums, and now that I see that this is where you spend the small percent of your life that you're not playing WOW, I'm even more ashamed to know you. Stupid forums.

Dekx: I’m not even going to faux Mcstab you. I’m just going to sit here and hate your limpwristed guts.

MOTH: I'm just saying... No, you're right. Go ahead with your hate. The McStabbins are way more funny to me when I don't have to read the rest of the forums. There's something pointless feeling about forums. They just feel so, futile, shallow and... whats another good word for pointless and futile? Or another word for "Wasted Life"?

Dekx: You’re a real bitch in the mornings.

Just So You Know. v2.0

2008-05-06T15:42:00.001-07:00

Good news for Zombies who love good news

2008-04-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Just so the undead don't feel left out...
I worry that there's mis-information here, but haven't read every article yet. The site makes a good supplement to World War Z and the Zombie Survival Guide.

More good news for Robots who love good news

2008-04-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

Eric Joyner, What We Ought Not, We Do, 2006. Oil on wood panel

We here at RLZ are still busy setting up things on our new home, Planet Baracus. But our agents, minions, henchmen, lackeys and attaches have been scouring the internets for Robot and Zombie news. The first comes from "Agent Girlfriend" who notified me of a new exhibit that everyone should see. I'm a big fan of Carnegie Melon's Robot Hall of Fame and have spent a lot of time reading about the inductees.
Another agent of ours sent in reports that the San Jose Museum of Art is having a wonderful exhibit of robots in art. I took one look at the list of artists in the show and decided I have to make a field trip to see it. It's on until October, so you have no excuses.

MOTHbot

Just so you know...

2008-04-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

Move to Japan for the Robots

2008-04-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

While we here in the Nation/Church/Republic of Chakakahnistan, Inc. await approval for our takeover of the planet Baracus, I'm contemplating a move for robots. Now, I could move to Japan where the robot uprising is guaranteed to begin, or I could just find a way to harness technology to move Japan here. You see, I'm too lazy to pack up my cats and head off to some island that regularly gets destroyed by gigantico lizerds. So, I need a way to teleport the entire island nation to here in the American West. It may be tough for them to adjust to the desert after so many years surrounded by water, but the robots will help them through it and Godzilla will have to attack Hong Kong instead.
So, if anyone has a lead on a massive teleporter, let me know. I've checked e-bay and craig's list, but only found one person teleporters and dubious time machines that are made of things that aren't Delorians.

MOTH

Gogol Bordello Update

2008-03-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Gogol Bordello are my new heroes. I was worried that no one in Reno would show up, and the band would leave without playing a single song when they saw an anemic turnout. I was wrong. Just about every hippie, jock, hipster, freak and wanna-be freak in town showed up. The place was just packed! We skipped most of the opening band, Skindred. They reminded me of early Faith No More but with Reggae and that scary growly yelling that I don't really like.
Anyway.
Gogol came out and rocked the place. It made me want to punch dance but I'm too polite for that. They have an Aztec Hype Man who gives the crowd that crazy intense South American stare like he's gonna eat your heart raw while he gets the crowd jumping. I think the Aztec Hype Man may be one of the greatest inventions ever. I dare say he could kick Flava Flave's ass pretty easily unless Chuck D and Terminator X showed up to save Flava with some magic giant clock. Otherwise, Aztec Hype Man whips out his stone dagger and tosses Flava's steaming entrails up to the gaping maws of Qxetzlqoatl and Xochimlxkcho.
Anyway.
The crowd was already pretty tired by the time Gogol Bordello took their first little break and then they came back and rocked out for another 20 minutes! They played an extended rock-out version of Undestructable that was just incredible and I got to shake the Professor's hand (violin) and touch Eugene Hutz's shoulder. I didn't get to keep either of the dancers/back-up singers. I hear one of them is dating Elija Wood and all. That's OK. I'll wait. I got time...

Whut?
Oh, Yeah. The show rocked. I still haven't washed the hand that touched Eugen Hutz and the other two hands are jealous.
And I got a Gogol Bordello t-shirt.

MOTHy

Arthur C. Clarke

2008-03-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've tried starting this post 4 different times. I want to say something clever about robots and AI computers, but it's all gonna seem so trite at the moment. I watch 2001 like fundamentalists read the bible. I watched a lot of his science shows, most of them on underwater exploration and not outer space.
Anyway, Arthur C. Clarke passed away today at the age of 90. Since I'm not good with time and dates, it's really messing me up that news reports said he died on the 19th. Because of the time difference between here and Sri Lanka, my first thought was that Clarke was so fucking awesome he got to die in the future.
There's so much more I feel like I should say, but I'd rather just go home and watch 2001.

MOTHbot

For God's Sake, Hurry UP!

2008-03-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

I love Engadget for these little stories. Watching the humons speculate about all the ways the robots will bring about their glorious and long overdue extinction. As much as I love the idea of Optimus Prime putting his life on the line for any sentient being, I hope he'd have the courtesy to let his transforming swarm-bot brethren have their way with you stupid monkeys. By the way, I'm sure the robots won't hurt real monkeys, just the humon kind.

In non-robotic news, everyone should get some Gogol Bordello right now and love the Gypsy-Punk-Cabaret. I'm seeing these guys tonight, and the next time you see me, I may be bruised and battered and babbling in sounds like Ukrainian.

Mothy

Good News: Bad News 1

2008-03-13T14:49:00.001-07:00

I pooped for the first time in about 32 hours just around 1:00 pm this afternoon. It smelled like burning electronics. SO!

The Good News: It would seem that I am actually a robot.

The Bad News: It would seem that I'm approaching the four year anniversary of my creation.

End of Line

This Robot is Exactly Sick.

2008-02-19T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am... sick still. Sitting here in the dark, coughing and listening to one of my neighbors coughing away the night. It's been a week. I'm on the mend, but still unable to sleep. I got sick over a holiday weekend, so I didn't even bother seeing a doctor until now. My doctor's office was standing room only and there was a two hour (at least?) wait for stupid people like me who decided to walk in without an appointment. I nodded toward the throng of sick and dying and headed to a nearby urgent care. I still had to wait an hour and a half, but there were only 8 or 9 people there, and the receptionist was handing sanitary masks out which I totally wanted to wear because I think it makes me look like the guy that used to play keyboards for Prince. Anyway, I'm on the mend and the doctor lady wanted to give me something to put me over the edge. Codeine.

I've heard many people sing the praises of Codeine and Vicadin, but I've never really had much luck with the opiates. When I broke my elbow skateboarding, I took two vicadin and had to get some Advil to actually do anything for me.

Well, it's the same thing all over again. Apparently, because I'm a robot, I lack an enzyme that is crucial to activating most opiates, so the codeine is having no affect on me. I even went and took another tiny sip just to be sure I took more than the label stated. No affect what-so-ever! I'm still awake, still coughing, still miserable, and wondering when it will end. I might as well be drinking water.

I wonder if this means I can totally smoke opium and not even get high? I could totally sit around for weeks in some grubby old-world chinatown, honking off some hooka like a goddam pro, just get up and shout, "This fucking dragon is taking me NOWHERE!!"

Instead of giving me my money back, I'd make them teach me kung fu. "Wong! Get me some fucking tea up in here! It's gonna be another long fucking night!"

When Mediocre Robots go Bad

2008-01-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am sick today. I think I caught some bug from my girlfriend, or maybe at Dekx & Cos. weekend fiesta. We stayed up most of the night playing Halo and swearing at each other and ate an entire third world nation's worth of junk food. This can make a system... unstable. To top it off, I had to drive girlfriend to the airport, in snow, turn around and pick her up due to long delays, and stay on stand-by for a while in case the flight got back on track and we had to scramble back to catch a plane. Luckily, the flight got canceled and girlfriend got a morning flight to Vegas with little trouble.
But here's the fun part; Not only am I driving around in snow at all hours on little sleep with my entire being polluted with late night cake pizza and soda, my phone alarm starts and won't stop. A day later, if I power up my phone, my annoying alarm tune fires up and won't stop for anything except incoming calls. I can't make outgoing. I have to hit the "dismiss" button and very quickly hit the menu button during the brief pause and try to look through menus while my phone blares at me. I managed to erase the appointment in the calendar to see if that would kill it, but it just comes up with no alarm description and bleats away at me. I looked online for help, but my menus don't show a reset option where everyone else says it should, so I have to go to the store. Have you ever gone to your cellphone carriers' store? I hate mine. It's like a mini DMV - post office. All the people there are schlubby and slow and obviously hate their job. So, my little pocket robot stays off so I don't have to listen to him cry and cry and cry, but dragging my sick tired ass across town in snow makes me cry and cry and cry.

Monkey-Bot! Cyper Poo-Fling Attack!!!!

2008-01-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

More great news from across the sea. The wonderful mad scientists of Japan have a robot that's linked to a monkey brain. While Robots and Zombies consume most of my brain space, many of you also know that Superman and Primates take up the rest. In my cube here at work I have the Superman-Robot action figure with Beppo the Super Chimp. One of the many points I often make about why I like DC a bit more than Marvel is that DC has way more Apes. BUt Marvel does have the Zombies market pretty much cornered, so that's a big point for them. Anyway, back to the Japanese. You can read here about their monkey controlled bot.
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/01/16/robot-monkey-japan.html
And you can read the Wikis about Beppo and Superman Robots here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beppo_(comics)
http://supermanica.info/wiki/index.php/Superman_Robots

Too Much Communication

2007-12-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

Communication is important. Dekx and Jay and I have to call each other up every once in a while to hash out rules and customs of Chakakahnistan. Sometimes I call Jay while he and his fambly are just sitting down to eat dinner, or getting ready for bed. Sometimes I call Dekx when he's balls deep in some World of Warcraft crap. At work, we can call each other on the phone, email each other, or just make the quarter mile stroll to each other's cube (well, Jay's like 5 feet away from me). That's just what the company makes available to us. With our own personal cell phones we can text and call. With G-Mail and Yahoo we can send vulgar e-mail that doesn't get scanned and tracked by the company. But somewhere, someone sold our fair employer a bill of goods and convinced them that what everyone here needed to really work as efficiently as possible was a chat/IM program. So, Dekx can now call me to tell me to check my email telling me to check Office Communicator where he sent me a note telling me that he'll be down in a few minutes to see if I want to go to lunch. I will hand write him a letter, drop it off at IGT's in house mail drop, and have it delivered to his cube telling him that I can't go. Dekx will them send a carrier pigeon via bank-like Air tube to a central relay where the message will then be given to a pony express rider who will find himself suddenly beset by Cherokee Indians and he'll have to entrust the message to a brave collie who will, using his keen sense of smell, track me down in the men's room to bark out the message that I am a douche bag for not going to lunch with Dekx. I will then smoke signal a singing telegram via telegraph wire telling him, that he can "Suck it." All told, it will only take 3 or 4 hours for all this communication to occur.
Did they do a study or cost/benefit analysis to show that its use will out-weigh all the dim-wits that sit and chat all day? I know that Office Communicator is limited to our company, but many people's best friends and family also work here. I know plenty of my co-workers that sit and e-mail messages all day with people who sit 4 or 5 rows away. You can't show me much that would convince me these same people won't chat all day long.
Anyway, I have to get out the semaphore flags so I can ask Jay if he still wants to go to lunch. I know Jay is only 5 feet away and all that, but I just feel limited with what tools the company has given me.

An Addition to MOTHbot's Rules for Christmas

2007-12-17T14:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas carols have to be at least this awesome by law.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-eslNwGXrI
Don't let the Bells End.

Beethoven

2007-12-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Today, December 17th is sorta a stand-in for Beethoven's birthday. Historians are unsure of the actual date, his family often celebrated it on the 16th and he was baptized on the 17th. So get your ipods out, or your CDs, or go online to something like slacker radio or Rhapsody and listen to the 4th movement of Beethoven's 9th. The Ode to Joy. This is MOTHbot's official choice as "The Most Beautiful Piece of Music EVER." (Run on sentence of exuberance alert) -Not only did this work figure peominently in A Clockwork Orange; but the final Chorale is the soundtrack to my dreams of watching acres of zombies get blown to bits by rockets and missles and bombs while I fire a machine gun into the oncoming horde until the barrel melts and I die being overwhelmed by masses of the undead who then get obliterated by the several hunderd pounds of explosives I've surrounded myself with. Don't think for one minute that the oddness of destroying masses of what once were humans while listening to a masterpiece about the triumph of human spirit and brotherhood escapes me. I'm thinking about a much bigger picture here. I am embracing o ye millions all right. Embraceing their undead asses with beams of lead-jacketed death. I'm thinking like a cinematographer, making a scene that god himself will sit up and notice. I want him to look down from his heavenly livingroom to see this crazy bastard offering himself and several hundred undead up to the universe in perfect time with the final German crecendo of Joy and power and think "Look at that crazy freakin' MOTHbot! He knew what he wanted to do with his life and his death so he did it!"
So go out and find the soundtrack to your own destruction. Find the song that will show the zombies, and all the dieties in the world that you mean freakin' business. Tell the universe "This is how I'm gonna die, this will be the soundtrack and I won't accept anything less!"
Make mine Beethoven!

MOTHbot's Handy Rules of Christmas

2007-12-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas. Dekx's Note: Approved. This also includes, but is by no means limited to, advertisements in any medium. The media shall contain no evidence whatsoever until December 17th. Even during this time, any advertisements which contain altered Christmas carol lyrics or tunes will be punishable by not only death, but an eternity in Hell. Just to give you an idea of how serious we are about this issue, we're both atheists, ok? But we'll start believing in Hell just to send you sick fuckers there.

2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Dekx's Note: Approved

3. There are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Dekx's Note: Approved.

4. The "Official" Christmas Carol of Chakakahnistan will be White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. Most carols sung by members of the Rat Pack are accepted. Harry Connick Jr. doing old classics will mostly be OK. But all country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED! Dekx's Note: Approved.

5. Last Christmas by Wham is allowed. Dekx's Note: Fucking gay. Not only is WHAM!! not allowed at Christmas, they're not allowed at life. They should follow Michael Hunchence's lead. I'm thinking George Michael is probably not far off in this regard.

6. The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song is OK too. Dekx's Note: Nobody cares about Africa anymore. Plus, they don't have Christmas over there, I don't think. If they did, it seems like they wouldn't need this fucking awful song.

7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No more "It's a Wonderful Life" or any of those ABC Family Channel movies like "Holiday in Handcuffs" I know the name makes it sound kinky, but it's not like that, It's actually a big bunch of suck. Dekx's Note: Approved. Any deviation from this list will cause you to bleed from whatever holes you're not supposed to. I'm not a physiologist, ok? You figure out which ones.

8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D. Dekx's Note: These will be henceforth known as the Claus Head. They are all simultaneously AND individually Santa Claus from now on. Fuck with the ultimate Christmas badass, shitto. See what happens...

9. I know this is gonna flare up some of you suckahs out there, but I'm bringing the chainsaw of death down on those creepy claymation movies (Island of Mistfit Toys, Rudolph, Frosty...). I just can't handle the way those creepy/crappy little elves and reindeer goose step around with their stop-motion hair jumping back and forth! MOTHbot will have none of that shit! Any citizens of Chakakahnistan found watching these movies, or owning little toys or even printed material bearing the image of these heinous creations will be severely punished. I may even kill your whole family back through time. Dekx's Note: Denied. It is precisely because this shit is creepy that it must be kept as part of our culture. Indeed, I will create a claymation army the likes of which has never been seen! WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!! Except, you know, we won't be able to go anywhere wicked cold, wicked wet, or wicked hot....

So beware, San Diego, I and the Cadre of Clay are coming for you!!

10. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better. Dekx's Note: Approved! The Grand and Benevolent Roaming Nation-State of Chakakanistan will create a Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day Sweaters department. Be ready to get your dicks and twats rocked, faithful citizens. Baby Jesus-Kitten is on a rampage and he won't stop until you all look like Cliff Huxtable's fucking closet exploded.

We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!

What Else? Robots!!!

2007-12-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

Some day, I'm gonna turn this tide around. Some day, humans will duke it out while dressed in obnoxious christmas decorations, while us robots sit back and laugh at their stupid antics. Imagine a world where humans degraded themselves on national TV and in front of live audiences.
Well, stupid humons already do that, so I guess they won't have any difficulty doing it for their new robot overlords. Stupid humon scum.
Anyway, this story is kinda cool, and kinda degrading to robots.

MOTHbot