Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Picasso At The Mall: A Touch of Mullet



Although their meteoric rise and fall in the late summer of 1986 left Picasso at the Mall in tatters, they soon realized that they were better off torturing each other than being boring and morose alone. MothB0t had started a moderately successful Tupperware business, with a stable of three sales people below him. He was paying the bills, but no amount of leftovers kept fresh in the refrigerators of his customers could fill the creative void in his heart.

Meanwhile, Dekx lost his life savings "playing the stock market," which was actually one of those oversized slot machines that takes silver dollars you see near the exit of a lot of casinos. While $73.56 may not have seemed like a lot of money to most people, the loss was catastrophic for Dekx's psyche. He began gently but steadily banging his head with a 2 x 4 he found in an empty lot, just to feel something other than self-hatred.

In 1988 they ran into each other in an Amway recruitment meeting. They immediately fell into a kerfuffle, breakdance battling until both of them had sustained multiple self-inflicted injuries and could no longer continue. At the emergency room they mended both their torn ligaments and their relationship. They immediately started writing new music.

Their reunion gave PatM a new energy which was captured perfectly in their second album, A Touch of Mullet. Eschewing their previous eclectic sound, A Touch of Mullet was raw bravado, cool guy persona, and lazers. Dekx, still hearkening back to his roots while keeping up with current trends, got a Shumway Death Ray model AK-eytar, but MothB0t moved from melodica to synth drums, having crafted a unique style bopping on various sizes of Tupperware in his free time.

Using MothB0t's Tupperware network, PatM played a string of house parties in the Reno/Sparks, NV area, quickly garnering a reputation for mediocre talent and even mediocrer stage presence. What would have been their first single if they had ever received any radio time, Rising Sun Headband, did get somebody to dance for a few seconds. In what may have been his saddest moment, MothB0t made out with a woman to his own love song, Roundhouse to The Heart.

Their most popular song was a deep cut from A Touch of Mullet - between Lambo Libido and Sex Ninja, Love Shuriken - called Corpse Fucker. A soaring, inspirational, Transformers: The Motion Picture Soundtrack-inspired song, Corpse Fucker immediately became popular with the 15 or 20 people who heard it. Because of the heavily robot-augmented vocals, listeners were unaware that they were championing a necrophilia anthem for the ages. This led to PatM making the national news. It also led to them going into hiding. In their VH1: Behind The Music episode, they revealed that  "going into hiding" mainly just entailed them staying home and playing a fuckload of Super Mario Bros. 3.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Questionnaire Extraordinaire!

I couldn't find if I ever posted this, but here's me filling out what is supposedly a Scientology quiz.
All answers seem to be even truer now than they were back in 2008.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
 Yes. Right now I am lord and Master of the entire population of the Holy,
 free-roaming, city-nation-state-corporation of Chakakahnistan. If I can see
 you or hear you, or think about you hard enough, you are my slave. I also
 have two cats.
 
• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
 Yes. Right now the Chakakahnistan Drachmah is way more valuable than the US
 Dollar because I caused China. One of the few things not made in China, is
 China. Cuz I made it here in America and sent it to China.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
 Yes. But, like many of my choices in life, I make it right by force of will.
 So if I kill someone, there is bound to be someone somewhere who wanted them
 dead for reasons of vengance or money owed. I think more people should thank
 me.


• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Yes. Edward-Two-Tongues. He was choking on the extra tongue and needed it
removed STAT!.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Yes. Here's an excerpt from the Chakakahnistan's weekly news magazine, The
Weekly Chaka:"This quiz sucks. Scientology Sucks. Hubbard's old sci-fi novels are second
rate at best."
I gots paid for that.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. I had roaches once. I was chasing a big fat momma with her egg sack.
When she died, the egg pod popped off and all these little white roachey
babies were squirming around on the floor. I sprayed them too.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes. Didn't really have to try. It's pretty much overrated as it is. A few
doctored photos of Sanity in the arms of another man, and Sanity's good
name was all but obliterated.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Yes. I like to hump my printer.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Yes. Both. I invented uranium.



• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Yes. I fucked L-Ron Hubbards dead ass once, and I regularly fuck zombies.


• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yes. According to the RIAA I've stolen too many songs off the internet.


• Have you ever been a pimp?
Yes. Hell Yes.


• Have you ever eaten a human body?
Yes. Wait. The whole thing? I didn't finish it because I'd just got done
eating a koala bear

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Yes. I stabbed your momma's eyes out with my dick. She still looks alright I guess.



• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes. I need the practice for when I wipe out humanity with Robots and Zombies.



• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Yes. It's the title on my card. I also perform back-alley abortions for a small fee.



• Have you given robots a bad name?
HELL NO! I love robots and would never do anything to hurt them.



• Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes. Caught 5 boobies in it. Somewhere out there, there's some hot chick
with only one booby.



• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Yes. Only because he said he needed to think our relationship over. He said
'it wasn't me, it was him' and all that shit, but that was enough for me to
leave him to the cold dead embrace of outer space.



• Have you driven anyone insane?
Yes. Yes we have.

• Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. Your momma is. She wants me up in her again tonight.



• Have you ever set a poor example?
Yes. Children should not listen to me unless I'm teaching them ways of
getting away with a crime.



• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Yes. Hell Yes. Several evil purposes.

• Are you in hiding?
Yes. Hiding in Reno.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes. Now go to city hall and find a package in the tank of the third stall
in the ladyies room. It will reveal something new about Jesus.



• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes. If by practice, you mean career or habit, then yes.



• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes. I think therefore I shall think some more.


• Have you ever gone crazy?
Yes. 32 time today and counting. Going there isn't the problem. I'm looking
for a way to stay.



• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Yes. For insurance purposes.



• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes. I just sold all of Josh's fambly into white slavery. Even the ones he likes.



• Have you ever smothered a baby?
Yes. Once with lava, and another time with pure hate.



• Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yes. Someone has to keep these pig fuckers in line and put them down when
they get out of hand.



• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Yes. Verbally. I was calling a guy some bad names and his balls just dropped off. Now he can't have babies.



• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Yes. By robots.



• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Yes. This one.



• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
...

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. There's always someone you can talk into putting a 9-volt on their 
tongue.


• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Yes and Yes. Brazilian porn Baby! No Condoms!!! Wooooooooo!!!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Quicky Now, Longy Later


Ok, I have something that I'm going to fully blame MOTHbot for in a longer post but for now consider this:

I just belched and it tasted JUST like ham. However, I haven't eaten ham in roughtly 6 days. I can't decide if that's awesome or not. This is the kind of thing they should be adressing in 400-level Philosophy and Psychology classes at UC Berkely. The Ham-Dekx Conundrum will baffle minds for decades to come! But eventually it'll become some kind of scale. I dunno for what, though. "He appears to have the perfect human psyche; Raised by Atheist Libertarian Ninja Skeptic Scientists, and look at his Ham-Dekx Rating! It's off the chart!!"