Movie Pitch to Our Friend Hollywood

Hey Hollywood! While you're out remaking everything 80's, I found one you missed. Now, just hear me out. From terrible Dukes of Hazard, to a really fun A-Team, you've covered a lot of ground. I'm looking forward to Tron, and we'll just agree to disagree on those craptastic Transformers movies, but this is the big fish you didn't capture. We even wrote a script to make it easy. Me and Dekx will direct of course. So here it is. You ready?

Ok Ok Ok!

ALF.

Yeah! ALF. Everyone's favorite alien life form from Melmac. But we'll darken it up for modern audiences, so he be out for revenge on the Tanners. You see, the series ended on a bad note for ALF. The Tanners dropped him off on the side of the road so he could be picked up my other dudes from Melmac, but instead, the Army showed up and took him away. Fast forward 20+ years and ALF escapes, but he's not the friendly Gordon Shumway of old. No, this ALF is out for revenge. It's just like Kill Bill but with aliens, cats and crackwhores. Check out the poster!

Let us know when you want to see the script. Dekx had some cool ideas involving slow motion gun fights in a trench coat factory with doves flying and shit and we had some stuff with ALF eating cats and making little children cry. It's friggin' awesome!

Have your robots call our robots.

Moth

Stand and Salute

Bub from Day of the Dead knows. Here in Chakakahnistan, we think that having only one national anthem is pretty pathetic. It leaves you singing about outdated concepts that haven't applied to your country for 50+ years and no one wants to learn the words. We like to keep it simple and fun and mix things up a bit. Another variation on our glorious national anthem brought to you by the Youtubes. So put your National Pride dress on and sing along.
Here

I Watch 'em So You Don't Have To: part 2

Zombi 2 (Zombie):

We are going to eat you. OK, there's no need for a real summary to this one. Let's snuggle up and get this started with a checklist of its awesome.

1. Hot nekkid European 80's Women.

2. Zombies

3. Zombie attacking hot nekkid 80's women and fighting a shark.

4. No real plot to speak of.

5. Did I mention the hot girls, and the zombie fighting a shark? Yeah. I know I did, but it's really important to the movie.

Right. This one is great, and an Italian classic.

I give it 3.5 brains out of 5

Zombi 3: Before we get too far into it and waste any time on this piece of garbage, let's just say that this movie is a piece of garbage. Oh wait, I already said that. Fulci got sick and stuff, and didn't complete this film, so other people wrote new scenes, had to hire new actors, and then tried to cram the two bits together. Let's do a checklist of the awful, and remember that this is not a complete list, because a complete list would require a boring and terrible retelling of the entire movie in excruciating detail.

1. Makes no sense. A populated hotel resort that is the site of an outbreak at the beginning of the film is suddenly an abandoned and run-down mess that looks like it hasn't seen people in years!

2. No plot.

3. Which makes it even worse that there's no hot nekkid chicks.

4. Scenes are shot in one place and then suddenly taking place somewhere completely different. No continuity.

5. Ugghhh. Just go watch it and see for yourself.

6. Oh, and only the shoddy zombie fights are the only redeeming feature of this film.

1 Brain out of 5 for old time sake, but I really want to give it, like, negative numbers or something.

Zombie Lake:

I'm torn again. This film is so bad that I want to give it negative brains. It's more like an old silent film with long stretches of annoying music and over staggering, overdone, craptacular acting. Redeeming qualities: Hot nekkid 80s chicks and zombie Nazis and lots of MST3K worthy moments including a fight scene where one zombie has to alpha male another zombie in the slowest, and silliest fight scene ever. Footage gets reused several times over. There's a scene where the crew is plainly visible in a giant mirror. Not just a quick glimpse, or tiny movement in a reflective surface that you can blink and miss. It's a giant wall mirror and you can see the camera guys walking in with the actor as plain as day for several seconds. And what the fuck time does this movie take place? One minute the zombies come crawling out of the lake to eat hot nekkid chicks and it's noon and the next scene the zombies are staggering around town in what is supposed to be night, and then it's broad daylight when the zombies stagger back to the lake. Heck, I think one sequence was: Zombies stagger into lake, zombies come back out, zombies go into lake, Wait, zombies are in the town now, zombies attack, zombies stagger back into lake. Oh, and during the underwater scenes, you can totally see that it's in a swimming pool.

The sheer stupidity, shoddy workmanship, sillyness, and number of hot nekkid 80's chicks earn it a brain that it really doesn't deserve.

1 brain out of 5

Zombie Honeymoon:

I've seen this one getting some bad reviews, but after Zombie Lake and Zombi 3, I actually enjoyed this one. Still pretty low budget, but it has some pretty decent acting, and some great zombie attacks as the zombie husband slowly changes into more and more of a vicious killing machine. The wife, played by Tracy Coogan, is super cute and when she gets worked up, she can't hide her sexy Irish accent. The scenes where the wife (Denise) has to sit in the house listening to the crunching and slurping noises of her husband eating was pretty cool and made me a little queasy, but in a good way. I've also read some critiques that the budget was so small that they could only afford to have one zombie, but in a way, that's like complaining that Alien only had one Alien in it. This movie has an interesting premise and some creative bits that don't require hordes of the undead.

I'll go a-head and give it 3.5 pretty damn good brains out of 5

There Can Be...Only One....

In the beginning, a quarter century ago, there were many. Four of them joined forces and samurai swords to thwart their nemeses like Dana Plato and Gary Coleman and yes, even George Peppard. But there are no guarantees in life nor in death. They knew that their truce must eventually come to an end, that their own heads would one day roll. And so it was that eventually even the mighty fell in a head-chopped-off-by-a-samurai-sword kind of way. Where four used to rule, strict but fair and bushido-y, only one remains. She is immortal and no man can be her equal. She is...

THE GOLDEN HIGHLANDER!!

Betty White is the sole remaining Golden Girl. She is now powerful enough to face her one-time lover, Mr. T, in mortal combat. In Japan. On top of a hill. Crested with cherry blossoms. At dusk. Before the ocean. With a fire going. And maybe some s'mores beforehand. TO THE DEATH!!


Cue the Queen, bitches, it's ON!! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!

Dear Guy From Colombia

Dear Guy From Colombia,

I don’t know how they do things in Colombia. I’ve never been. But here in America we don’t chat while holding our peckers. It’s nothing personal. I’d happily chat with you if neither of us were holding our respective peckers. But we are. Both of us. Now is not the time for chatting. Now is the time for urinating, clearing our throats, maybe farting a bit, but most importantly looking straight ahead. Not for turning to face each other and asking strangely out of context questions like, “How do you like it on this half of the world?” I’m a multitasker so I understand the urge to get a few things done at once. However, and I’m sorry to belabor the point but it clearly bears repeating, when there are peckers out, multitasking stops and everything else waits. Lastly, when you’re done pissing and there’s an option, you turn away from the other guy still holding his pecker. It’s just how it’s done here. I’m sorry to be The Guy Who Tells The Foreigner How It’s Done In Am’rr’ca, but this isn’t offering drivers’ tests in multiple languages. It’s not being able to order McDonald’s in English. It’s not even deciding which parts of an animal should be eaten and which should be disposed of. This is pecker holding. And in the States we take that pretty seriously.

Sincerely,

Dekx

I Still Like Ska and You Should Be Glad #2

I still like ska and you should be glad. I know, I know...Ska's out like Roller Disco and Macrame Plant Hangers. But the up-tempo dohdyoh doh doh of the rhythm section and the sassy doodleedoo of the horns make The Rage go away. It doesn't matter how terrible or horrific my day has been as long as I can come home to a ska version of Come On, Eileen or a song about somebody that hates me. Honestly, there's nothing ska can't fix for me. And you should be glad....

For instance, without ska, standing in line with you assholes would send me over the edge. I'd go on a terrible, terrible rampage, hurling you all to and fro all the live long day. You'd be the Lex Luthor to my Superman, the Bluto to my Popeye.

Jeez, where to begin?

BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

Crowding me, lightly touching me, breathing on me, anything that sets off my Spider-sense is simply creating the illusion of getting your dumb ass through the line faster. I know you're loathe to admit it, I know it drives you insane, but when you're standing in line behind me I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY....DESTINY....destiny....

There's a slim possibility that I'll use cash. Fuck with me and I'll use my card or a check. If you really piss me off I'll bust out my coupons just when you think your passive aggressive crowding and throat clearing has finally paid off.

Are you ready for the Ultra Lightning Round Bazillion Dollar Fantasy Question? Guess who else has to stand in line at the grocery store, the DMV, the return counter at Target or the massive prison train your mom has every Friday night?

DING DING DING!! That' correct, EVERYONE! Don, tell 'im what he's won!

Well, Dekx, for winning the Ultra Lightning Round Bazillion Dollar Fantasy Question he gets your size 14 foot in his ass. That's right! It's time to kill him slowly with internal bleeding and a beating that would make the most hardened Crip to ever grace South Central really sit down and think about what he's done! Severe and malevolent beatings from DekxCo!!

By the way, you get no pity or special treatment from me just because you can't carry all of your groceries. There's no excuse for it. Just to get into the store you have to run a gauntlet of carts and baskets. If you're in such a fuckin' hurry, why don't you pick up a basket instead of dropping everything twice or having me jam a majority of said items up your ass?

You do that, and I'll listen to ska instead of flaming whatever you have that's flammable or raping whatever you have that's rapeable.

Now, where's that Reel Big Fish Cd?

Reflections in Red #2

There are some very few people in life that can always help you feel better about yourself. For some it comes as easily as breathing. There's just something about them that will always raise you above your problems. This is a rare breed indeed and I always feel lucky when I've found one.

In fact, what's most peculiar about them is that you never know where one will pop up. The old fellow working as the doorman at the El Dorado, a hooker with a heart of gold, or your grandma, god rest her soul. Me? I found mine in a shabby blue house two doors down the alley from my sister's place.

His name was Red and it was because of his hair. Red was never a cheerful man. He wasn't even pleasant. But he always had a way of making your day better....

"Hey, Red, how's it going?"

"Well, I ain't dead yet...."

And that was Red for ya'. So what if you didn't do your homework or your parents didn't understand you? You weren't cursing god and angrily awaiting death. And that's really something.